Educational

Today I dropped one of my classes, which frees up time well spent doing something. Anyway, I'm hoping to get a run in tomorrow, as I have not been able to yesterday or today.

Day 1 of Irish Sprint 10k training

This is how my day is going so far:

I ended up getting out of bed at 210pm, due to the absurdly late night last night. It was late for no reason other than I didn't decide to goto sleep. I was awake and aware enough to make sure I took my morning medications right away. I have been way to lax about that, and need to get back into a good routine. I then refilled my pill container for the week. I then went about most of the morning hygenics ritual, with the exception of a shower because there's no reason to shower and THEN go running. I drank a 5 hour energy with my breakfast, which consisted of a Thomas' Whole Grain English Muffin with peanut butter, and a small glass of 2% milk. I then tracked my food online, made my bed and cleaned the room a bit. To prep for todays run, I made a new playlist for my phone, and it was really good while I was running. I checked the weather, got dressed, went out to see if I would be cold or too warm, but everything was good. 

And, here we go with the main event: Overall not too bad - the temperature was nice, around 40 degrees. Not a lot of wind, dry ground for the most part. I took a lap around campus, going for 3 miles for todays workout. I focused a lot on my form, trying to get my body to have good form even when I'm tired. It'll take practice and time, but my form will definitely improve. I have new running shoes, and at the beginning of the run, my feet started to hurt, as I've felt in other shoes which didn't provide enough support. But, as the run continued, the pain went away. So to sum up, this was a good first day.

After the run, I did a good cool-down, lots of stretching and drank a protein shake. I recorded all of my activity and food again on the weight watchers site. Now I'm about to take a shower and then begin my homework for all my classes.

Day 1 is down, there are 46 more days to train before race day.

Changes, Fall 2011 Academic Review.

So, there have been some changes around here. Thanks for noticing. First let's review my first semester completed since 2004:

15 credits taken, Two As, an A- and two B-'s. That's good enough for a 3.42. Not too bad, if I say so myself. So, one semester down, and we're now a week into the Spring.

Over the break, I spent three and a half weeks in Israel. It was amazing. I absolutely enjoyed myself.

As for the future, if you look at the left hand column, you'll see two countdown clocks. One is for the Irish Spring 10k, which is one of the events in this years Marine Corps Marathon series. The other, is for the main event, the 37th Marine Corps Marathon. My brother Jay and I will be running both!

I have only run two 10ks in my life, no half-marathons and no fulls. So it's gonna be an interesting training regimen to see how I do. I figure this is now a major goal, and can give me motivation and some push to train day-in and day-out.

So that's a short summary of whats going on. More to come, surely.

We proudly declare, for your internet pleasure...

Coming soon...a new edition of "The Fat Guy Times." Prepare for a return to basics and renewal of a healthy diet. Get ready for a new exercise regimen and fitness philosophy. Get excited about the same incessant mumblings and psychotic ramblings of The Fat Guy!

turn back the clocks

ever wanted to be able to go back into the past? ever think of things you used to do, and say "man, it would be great to do that again"? i have. this weekend i think i tried to. i also saw that it's simply not possible.

i love hockey. when i was growing up, hockey was basically my lifeblood. but i stopped playing in senior year of high school, and at that time, there was no roller hockey in college - which didn't even matter, because I had joined ROTC at Tulane. So basically with college life i lost hockey. i played hockey a bit in 2007 on a team with a friend of my sister's. but it wasn't anything serious. i am on the roller hockey team at albany. playing other college teams. i was so excited about this weekend's tournament. it was kind of a dream, something i imagined while in high school. something i longed for after i stopped playing hockey.

but in the dreams, i was the hockey player i was as a teenager. i was confident on skates, i was lean and in good shape. i was pretty fast and had good hockey sense. i wasn't an awesome player, but i was good. i wasn't 75 pounds overweight. i didn't have a brain injury. i didn't suffer from anxiety and depression. in the dreams, it was realistic - realistic as to what was back in high school.

but i'm not the person, man, or hockey player i was in high school. i am 75 pounds overweight. my brain injury has stolen my physical confidence and my balance on foot, let alone on skates. my depression has robbed me of years of my life spent doing nothing because i lacked the willpower to get out of bed.

i played hockey this weekend. i should be ecstatic about it. i should absolutely love the fact that i was on a pair of skates and in real games.

i am not ecstatic about it.

i'm pretty fucking disturbed as a matter of fact.

i thought i had come to terms with my brain injury, my depression and the disability that hangs around my neck day in and day out. this weekend showed me exactly how much i cannot do because of it. this weekend showed me that i will never be who i was. never do what i did. never get back to the place i was at. this weekend showed me exactly how much i have lost due to my brain injury and my post-traumatic stress. due to my depression and my anxiety. due to my lack of exercise and my extra weight. due to my lack of hope and abundance of despair.

i didn't get to go back and do the things i had dreamed of this weekend. what i did was realize that there are many things that i used to love in my life that i will never ever be able to do again.

and that sucks.

good week.

so, let's recap what i'm calling a rebound week:

good practice wednesday night playing hockey for the second time since 2007. i also skated tonight for about a half hour, trying to loosen up the back muscles that are the problem right now.

got back on the horse with p90x, and out of the first 10 days, i did 7 of them. so that's a nice ratio at the moment.

got my first hebrew lit paper back today. it was the first paper i've written and i had some trouble with it, but was pretty pleased with the final product. turns out, so was my teacher, and i got a 98. not too shabby.

took my first exam in my computer class, and got a 90 on that. the class average was 69, the high was 96 and the low 32. out of 670 students, only four got a 90 or higher. pretty decent, i'd say.

so my grades are good right now. i'm pleased and a little anxious, because historically, the wheels would have already fallen off the wagon by now, but they haven't, so i'm wondering if i'm just delaying the inevitable...or maybe it's time to banish those thoughts and say fuck it, this time is different.

i'm thinking about a return to israel over the winter break. it's an exciting thought, and i'm 99% towards making a decision.

other than that, the family will be in town tomorrow for family weekend/homecoming, so that should be cool. my sleep cycle is still all screwed up, but there's nothing new there.

nite yall.

hockey

had hockey practice tonight. it kicked my ass. i'm really rusty, and totally not in shape, but it is great. it's so much fun and it takes me back to when i was a teenager and all i did was play hockey. i miss those days. i've got to work on my lower back, and build up some endurance. my lower back was so sore, i had to stop playing. so, definitely gotta work on that.

anyway, today was good. i got back to p90x and did kenpo x tonight. it was pretty difficult. but, it'll get easier as i get stronger and in better shape.

hope yall are doing great.

Working on it.

So, had an appointment at the VA this morning that I missed. But I made it to my afternoon class, and things are decent. Straightening up the room, gonna clean out the car. And later on, p90x and hockey. So, I'm working it.

coming out the other end.

On the upswing of this depression. I constantly go through these cycles. Each time seems more difficult. Each time I forget that it is a cycle. So each time I fall victim to my own poor self-thoughts. So hopefully, by writing this post, I will look at it next cycle and say, hey fucker, it's gonna be ok. "This too shall pass."

kinda gripped by a strong depression right now. done nothing today, skipped classes, have a test tomorrow which i haven't studied for. eating crap when i do eat. not working out. feel like shit. hate myself right now. feel worthless.

i don't know that you can understand how i feel. part of it is me being hard on myself. i shouldn't be this way anymore. i am alive. i am here. i am trying to live again. but it's not easy. and it sucks. and i'm tired of it.