Sunday, January 10, 2016

A new blog I started!

I'd like to direct your attention to:


Thursday, December 17, 2015

I lost a friend today.

A brother Marine, a friend who I served with in Iraq in 2005, passed away suddenly today.

The world lost a good man, a fine Marine, and a good friend today.

Semper Fidelis, Bone. Rest easy.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Still living, I am

Hey everybody! How are you? (That assumes people read this)

Finished the semester, after pulling the lever and dropping my math class and psych. Looks like a B+, a B and an A-. Not too bad. Considering everything that went down this semester, I'd have been happy with Cs.

So, checked off those boxes, allowing me to continue on my path toward a degree. I mapped it out, and have an idea of when I'll graduate, but I've decided not to concentrate on that. I've only got so much brainpower, and I need to focus on the day-to-day.

In Fat Guy news, I've gained more weight. But I'm working on it. I have, however, a line graph of my weight gain since I returned from Iraq in 2005. It ain't pretty.

There it is. We'll see what the future brings.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Monday, Monday

So, I woke up this morning in a bad mood. Definitely didn't want to get out of bed, nor go to school. Yet, here I am, in class.

That's a small victory.

I'm doing ok, maintaining so far. I have slipped in recording a dayrate. I've gained over 10 pounds, and I haven't cooked a proper meal in many weeks. But, I'm doing ok.

I am well and truly blessed.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

sunday early morning. (really late saturday night)

i haven't been posting lately, but i'm doing well. i missed a class last week, but went to the rest. overall, i'm sleeping better, and my dayrates are better. could i be doing better? of course. i will start running again soon, which will help.

i'm just letting you know i'm alright. thanks.

Friday, October 23, 2015


So, I've been doing better the last two weeks or so. Feeling decent. Today was different.

I realize now that "decent" isn't a feeling, it's not an emotion. I'm starting to feel again. Today, I felt sadness and loss. I mean, no-shit really felt. I started crying heavily in my car on the way home from class. I was listening to a song, and my mind went places, and I started to cry. I tried t stifle it at first, but realized that I needed to feel emotions again, even those emotions that are uncomfortable to feel.

I'm not up to going into detail on what prompted me to cry. I just wanted to say I felt something today.

It's a good day.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Well, now.

For the first time this semester, I went to all my classes this week. Also, I finished a 60-day tracking of the quality of the day (a rating from 0 to 10, in .25 increments) as well as sleep duration (in minutes, delineated into deep sleep and light sleep). These are the charts:

A. What a vicious rollercoaster that was.
B. Man is my sleep fucked up.
C. The tail end of both graphs are moving in the right direction
D. "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

Go forth and do great things, friends. Thanks for checking in.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


Went to class yesterday and took a test. Actually accomplished something, which is nice. I'm almost out of this hole, I think come Monday morning I'll be good. I've started running again, and ran Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday. I feel better, and I'm sleeping a bit better.

Monday I had another medication change (as well as Doc change) as I've moved my care to the PTSD team at the VA. I'm pretty happy with the doc, as she listened to me (which is not as insignificant as it sounds) and also checked my (extensive) history, before changing my meds. I have another appointment with her this week, to check in and see how/what to do next.

I'm also set up to begin Prolonged Exposure therapy, starting Friday. I hope this works, I've been told it will help, so I'm giving it a try.

This was a very bad cycle. I've been continuing the dayratings, and looking at the graph, The two arrows indicate 1: When I started to cycle down, and the second, when I started to cycle up. The cycle up time was longer than usual, and like I said, things were fucking bad.

But, I'm doing the things I need to, and hopefully, the next one won't be so bad.

I love you all, and I appreciate everyone helping in their own way, even if it's just being there.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

i have no desire to be alive anymore. nothing is going well, i feel like crap both physically and mentally. i'm wasting existence and time. i want to be done with this. i've had enough.

Friday, September 18, 2015

still alive

been doing really shitty lately. haven't done anything, didn't go to temple for rosh hashana, haven't gone to class in two weeks, i leave my room only to go and get food.

i'm still alive, but it's more of an existence rather than living.