Sunday, January 31, 2010

Here we are at day Thirty. I'm ready to say I'm doing fantastic.

It's been thirty days, one month. I took the 30-day picture, and I am disappointed in the difference. I can feel it, I can see it in the mirror, but putting the day 1 and day 30 pics side by side, there isn't much of a difference. Oh well. Kind of anticlimactic, but whatever. Here's a recap of the first thirty days: I lost fourteen pounds. I have made a significant difference in the foods that I eat on a daily basis. I feel and look healthier. I am more flexible and move around easier. I have a little more self-confidence. Out of thirty days, four were scheduled rest days. That means a total of 26 days were workout days. I actually worked out on 19 days. That's a 73% success rate on working out. For the food plan, it's 33 days, cause I started before the 1st. So here's the lowdown on that: 15 days I ate according to plan. That's less than 50%, so not so good there. However, each of the first four weeks, I ended the week wth a surplus of weekly allowance points, or activity points, so that's pretty damn good. All in all, I'm learning and adapting and haven't quit. Now's the time to address the shortcomings from the first thirty days and set some new goals for the next thirty days. First, we need to curtail the late-night eating. Lots of the days that I was over the plan, came from eating late at night. Second, gotta get back to a good regimented daily schedule. This will help the sleep cycle, and in turn the eating cycle. Third, I'm modifying the weekly schedule of the workout routine, to sync up with the food plan week. So, Mondays will be the rest day, making Tuesday the first day of the week, same as the weigh-in day. Hopefully, that alleviates the post-rest day fatigue. Many of the days I did not work out were the day or two after the rest day. So adding the weigh-in as some motivation, hopefully will allow me to continue without losing a workout day. Also, in these thirty days, the next phase of my workout routine begins, so I want to keep momentum going and not putter out at that point. And overall, want to continue the momentum of losing weight each week. Still in the same goal mindset of the second 5%, which you can follow the progress at the left hand box. Thats it for now.

Fat Guy, signing off.

let's take a step to the side, k?

One of the blogs on the left in the blog roll is called positively present. I go there occasionally. Sometimes I don't go there because, as you could probably guess by the last post, I was pretty pissed off, and there ain't nothin positive about it. But I take a look there from time to time, to read on how others are positive in the face of adversity, or who are able to simply forget the bad shit, and focus on the good. I've experienced bad shit in my life - not more than anyone else, except maybe it's affected me more than it might someone else. So, I am, and have been for quite a while, a negative person. Sometimes it's not overtly negative, and sometimes it's so damned negative you could feel it pouring off of me a mile away. I don't like being negative. I'd rather be positive. Hell, I'd settle for neutral. Anyway, I goto positively present to read how others exist happily, to see if I can take anything from it.
One of the themes I have come across is the idea of acceptance. I have been told that I should accept things that have happened, and let them go, and move on. I have no idea how to do this. So I keep the negative emotions I have about many different events that have happened, and I cannot accept things. I cannot move on. I would like to. But something in my thought process, my intelligence, says that accepting is forgetting. Accepting is saying that it's ok what happened, and it doesn't bother me. Accepting is saying, well, no big deal, what's for dinner? I can't do that. I have a serious problem with that idea. But I want to accept things, and let go of the negative emotions, and move on and grow. So, it's a catch-22. Acceptance, which has a negative connotation to it already in my mind, or Stubbornly not accept, and continue to be negative. It sucks.
I want to know how to accept. I want to know how to reconcile in my mind the idea of acceptance without it meaning that I am forgetting, or letting go of the things that have happened to me. This is just one of my issues.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

On depression, and other mental things...

Well, I seem to be having an issue around the weekend. I don't know if it has any correlation to the plan I'm following or not, but I have a rest day from exercising on Thursday, and that seems to fuck me up on Friday, which leads to fucking everything up till Tuesday, when the week restarts. So that is an issue that I will have to assess.
Also, my sleep pattern has decided to get all fucked up again. So, I don't fall asleep until very late, and then I wake up very late, and it's just not a good rhythm for me. Of course, continuing the saga, it goes if I have sleep that is not restful, or am woken up before I have slept enough, I am in a shit depressed mood all fucking day and it just gets worse. I'm sleeping too much these last few days. So let's just cross out the fucking sleep box, cause there ain't shit it's doing to help me out.
If you can see where this is going, just skip it and come back later to a different post.
So I stay up later cause I can't fall asleep, and i eat more than I should, which fucks up that day's numbers for the plan, which makes me feel like shit and a failure, cause I fucked up a decent day on the plan, and well, you'd think I was used to it all by now.
And to top all of that shit off, I had another "nightmare" last night. Thankfully, none of it has anything to do with combat or Iraq (at least that I can remember) but it adds to the fucked-upness of my sleep.
This is my life with major depression and post-traumatic stress and traumatic brain injury. Ain't it fucking GREAT.

Friday, January 29, 2010

seems like I'm always pissed off around the weekend.

well, this weekend is no different. I would like to step far back from my situation for maybe a couple of hours, and pull the release valve. Let me relax outside of this environment, and forget all this crap for a while. Don't see it happening. So fuck.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Midday Update, starring the Fat Guy

Heyyo, Fat Guy here. Let's take a look at our top stories this hour:
On Food Log, We've had the same thing for breakfast twice in a row. It's great, it's filling, and it's only 7 points. Yes, we're talking about a stuffed breakfast sandwich, mini bagel, red antioxidant peach tea and some cow that was having way too good of a time laughing. For lunch, Beef pot roast and the tea, which is only 3 points. So, that's going pretty well.
Exercise: Today is a rest day, so no exercise is planned. Tomorrow, normal exercise service returns.
Productivity: I went through more paperwork, and called people I've been needing to call for a while. So, I was mildly productive.

Forecast for the rest of the day: relax, hydrate and catch up on the stuff that's filling my DVR.

That's all from here, back to you in the studio. This is Fat Guy, signing off.

A little motivation for yall out there.

by an anonymous Canadian Citizen

"Marines are about the most peculiar breed of human beings, I have ever witnessed. They treat their service as if it were some kind of cult, plastering their emblem on almost everything they own, making themselves up to look like insane fanatics with haircuts to ungentlemanly lengths, worshipping their Commandant almost as if he were a god, and making weird animal noises like a band of savages. They'll fight like rabid dogs at the drop of a hat just for the sake of a little action, and are the cockiest sons of bitches I have ever known. Most have the foulest mouths and drink well beyond man's normal limits, but their high spirits and sense of brotherhood set them apart and, generally speaking, the United States Marines I've come in contact with are the most professional soldiers and the finest men I have ever had the pleasure to meet."

dammit again

So, yeah. had the points to use. Had a snack. Ate too much, right before bed. At some point, I'll learn. hopefully.

so the logging continues

so, to recap the day:
lunch: broccoli and cheddar roasted potatoes, 4 peach red antioxidant tea.
dinner: slow-roasted turkey breast and some more of that awesome peach tea
anytime: chocolate 2% milk, small baked potato.
And I still have 13 points at this time. We'll see if I keep em or use em. The cub scout meeting went great, really pleased with that. I feel like I accomplished something today. The Rangers suck and lost again, so I'm not too upset about not seeing the game. Did tonight's cardio workout, which was good. It's amazing that I'm starting to enjoy sweating and working my ass off. Other than that, not much to report. Thanks for coming yall.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

food loggers

Good morning, Fat Guys. Breakfast includes: Smart one's stuffed breakfast sandwich, 1 thomas' mini bagel, laughing cow cheese, red antioxidant peach tea. All for 7 points. Nice.

Why is the cow always part of some damned diet thing? Laughing cow cheese, Skinny cow Ice Cream. Damn. I know I'm fat, don't need the visual of a fat cow to pound it into my head, but thanks.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I said I'd do it, I'm gonna damned do it...

And here it is: Today's food log.

Breakfast: 1 Thomas' Mini 100 Calorie Bagel, Laughing cow cheese, and 2% milk
Lunch: Smart Ones Steak and Ranch Flatbread, Fruit Punch and Hidden Valley Fat Free Ranch
Dinner: Smart Ones Pepperoni Pizza, Peach Tea and FF Ranch
Anytime: 2% Chocolate milk

Drank many many cups of water today. Plus my multivitamin. So that's all in all a good day. And I still have more than a third of a day's points left, so I may end up having a snack. Anyway, that's it from here.

Edit to add: 1 skinny cow ice cream bar, 2 and a half thomas' mini bagels with laughing cow cheese. final tally, under the daily mark by 2.5 points

This is Fat Guy, signing off.

another successful weigh-in to get my spirits up

Well, after 4 weeks of the weight watchers, and three and a half weeks of power 90, the results are pleasing, and promising. I have attained my initial goal of 5% of my body weight, or 14 pounds. I have lost over the 4 weeks: an inch and a half from my thighs, gut and waist; half an inch from my calves and neck; and gained 2 inches on my chest.

I walked at the VA today, which I will do again Thursday and Sunday, and add that to my power 90 workouts. It's pretty gratifying to see people I know and have them compliment me on losing weight. I'm really pleased about that. I'm also pleased because even though I am slugging through it on some days, I am still getting it done. And that's a pretty awesome accomplishment. I wasn't able to apply myself to anything for a long time, and now that I am applying myself AND succeeding, I'm pretty freakin happy bout it. Gonna hydrate some more than do tonights workout.

Monday, January 25, 2010

feeling slightly better

I went food shopping, which is good. Allowed me to buy things that are compatible with my food plan, without having to rely on or fall back on the food that is available in the house. Because the food available in the house is definitely not plan-friendly. Now at least when I am drowning and not doing so well with the plan, I at least have healthier, plan-friendly foods to choose from. I already used the weekly allowance, and dipped into the activity earned points. So this week was a bust. All around. Tomorrow is weigh-in and measurements. I guess we'll see what the damage is then.  Also, tomorrow I start really doing the food log again. Seriously. I swear.

not feelin it.

Ok, really starting to go downhill these last couple of days. I have eaten too much for consecutive days, I have been really pissed off for an extended period of time, I have slept damn near all day the last two days. I didn't exercise yesterday. I think it's safe to say that I am definitely dealing with some depression shit right now. It's sadistically funny, because I know that all I need to do is exercise, and that would solve some of these problems quickly and easily. But I am not in a position where that is easy or desirable. I think I'm fucked.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

not really doing well with the points this week

I have been exercising regularly, but have not maintained the eating portions correctly, so it's a toss up. Already today, of which I have been awake for maybe an hour I have misused points. so here's to a great beginning of the day.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

not sure if i can be more pissed off tonight.

But, alas, as I am not going immediately to sleep, I guess we'll find out. As for why I'm pissed, well, I don't really know. And that sucks. But everyone around me is pissing me off further, so wtf? Who knows. On a related note, scientists may have found biomarkers in the brain and be able to do a brain scan to definitively diagnose PTSD. Some weird shit called a MEG, which stands for something. Here's the link. Also, there's an FDA study on treating PTSD with ecstasy. Interesting. I might send a proposal for treating PTSD with allowing me to perform executions of prisoners on death row. I'll even do it for free.

Friday, January 22, 2010

friday is here, and it was a success!

I have a history of not getting my ass in gear on fridays and working out. in fact, out of the 22 days i've been on this routine, the only other friday I worked out was the 1st, which was when I started. the 8th and 15th I didn't do shit. So, that's a new and pleasant development.


So, this post has nothing to do with the fat boy exercising or eating right or any other crap you may be here for. However, since you are here, y'might as well listen. I just had a bad dream of sorts. I haven't had nightmares in quite a long time, and this one was weird. Long story short, I'm awake now, at 145am, after successfully getting to sleep at 1245am. So now I'm fucked. I'm gonna watch some more 24 from last season and attempt to get back to bed and maybe not have nightmares. at least, not let them wake me up till tomorrow.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

If you turn your attention to the left

you'll notice the two tickers. I'm 3 pounds away from goal number 1, which is 5% of my body weight, or 14 pounds. And the bottom ticker is total pounds lost. They're looking mighty good right now. I just finished tonight's cardio, and I feel like I kinda sandbagged it a little. I don't feel as beat now as I normally do. Which either means, I sandbagged it, or all of a sudden, my body is getting better at this shit. Probably the former.
Anyway, I hope sleep is coming soon. Nite yall.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

not perfect, but still working

Last night, as has happened often, I stayed up later that I wanted, and then ate food I shouldn't have. Gotta beat this at some point. After a relatively slow and tired start to the day, I am feeling pretty good right now. Have to finish cleaning up the room and all. Then I will exercise, and hopefully get some sleep earlier than usual tonight. My brother is coming home tomorrow from Hawaii. Which means he's already somewhere on the way here in a jet plane. Was supposed to have a scout meeting tonight, which I was pretty excited about, but everyone is sick, so no go. Which ends up helping me, cause I used that time to finish up around here. So, I'm off to continue working here.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

sweatin my arse off and loving it

i just added a small amount of weight for the workout, and it's definitely putting me through the moves with more exertion. Pleased about the progress of today. Three consecutive weeks of losing weight is a real good feeling. It's nice to see the results of my labor. Still motivated, want to make three weeks into four.

That's another 4 pounds gone!

So, the weigh-in today went great. Lost another 4 pounds, now at 11 pounds lost. Really pleased about that. Gotta go and run some errands.

good good cardio workout

Ooh, yeah. I'm definitely feeling that. Got the heart rate to where it needed to be for a good stretch. Feeling real good now after my shower. Got to eat something and then finish up around the room, I have to wake up earlier than usual - but not too early - to goto the VA. get weighed while I'm there, get a new week on track. Hope everyone out there had a good Monday.

Monday, January 18, 2010

today is a better day

Worked out last night, so I'm back on track there.I'm coming up on the end of the week tonight, and am still doing well with point allocations. I have good amount of points for the rest of the day, plus plenty or weekly and activity points in reserve.
Bought the new uniform I need for Boy Scouts. I'm going to be my nephew's den leader. I'm pretty excited. Also, the Rangers finally scored a goal last night, and lo and be hold, they won the friggin game. Sweet. Tomorrow is weigh-in, am looking forward to that, and a new week starts, let's see if I can keep the streak alive.
Thanks to all for your silent support.

Sunday, January 17, 2010


I think I've got an idea on why I am feeling this way. I read some very emotional stuff yesterday, and that drained me. Shortly after, I had a strong mood swing, and the after effects of that made me feel tired, and depressed. And it carried on into today. When I am depressed, I tend to hit the comfort food. Which means, stuff I shouldn't eat, or eating too much. So now it's time for me to relax, and digest. Later on, I will square things away and try and change the atmosphere I'm in.

well, today starts out f-in wonderful. in desperate NEED of MOTIVATION

wake up tired and with a sore back, and first thing i eat: ice cream. way to go, fatty.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

not feeling so hot, mentally and physically.

So I had a bad mood swing earlier, and my head is all kinds of fucked up because of it. I feel spent, mentally and physically. It's been a while that I've had a mood swing like this. Motivation is nowhere to be found. Right now, I feel like climbing into bed and being done with all this shit. I really feel like blowing off tonight's workout, but I didn't work out yesterday, Thursday was a rest day, and Wednesday I walked but didn't work out. So it's been 3 days since I worked out proper, and if I blow it off today, that's 4. Which is something I really haven't wanted to have happen. Dammit.

good morning fat guy

I slept pretty well last night, although since I went to bed 4 hours later, I woke up 2 and a half hours later than normal. But, still feel pretty good. I had a bagel and some fried potatoes. Mmmm.
So I'm on Weight Watchers, that's the plan I've been following since January 1. I'm doing the points (momentum) plan online, and I've gotta say, it's simple and easy to follow, and doesn't make too much of an impact on what you can eat. It does show you how much of what you eat will cost you per day. It's actually pretty great and I am happy about it. It's straightforward and user-friendly.
As for the exercise, I'm doing Power 90, by Tony Horton. It's like a gran-daddy of the p90x stuff. Since I'm a fat guy, there's no way I could do p90x right now, so I started with power 90, and it's more my speed.
It's nice because I'm starting to feel better, and be more active, which helps my depression and PTSD. Ok, well that's about it from here.

today was a good day, even though I have yet to exercise.

I went to the VA to walk, and stretched for a while, to make sure I was warmed up and ready. Well, not so much. My legs are still sore even after stretching and warmup, so I did one mile and stopped.
Off topic for a bit, I went to my nephew's Cub Scout Pinewood Derby tonight. It was like stepping back into time, years ago, before my mom died. It was great. I've been thinking about volunteering somewhere, so I asked, and I'm probably going to be his den leader, which is great. I'll be able to help out with Scouting which has always been a part of my life, plus, I'll be able to spend time regularly with my nephew. I'm real excited about that. I then had dinner with the family, and am in the middle of watching a movie with my dad. So, all in all, today was a good day in that I was out and accomplished something. Also, spent time with friends and family. I may get to the workout later on before bed (even though it is nearly 2am now) but if I don't, I'm ok with that. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Friday, January 15, 2010

here we are, at another friday...

the day after a day off. the last one I didn't do so well, and blew off. And this one may be in jeopardy as well. I'm not really feeling all that hot, but I don't know if that's a physical thing or a mental thing. I'm hoping I get my ass in gear soon. I have some things to do around the house, and then I may travel to the VA for a walking session. But, small steps.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

nice day off

today was nice. got a good stretch in, feelin pretty good. i cleaned up some more stuff in the room, continuing to be productive and organized. what a nice feeling. Still good on the food intake, both for today and for the new week, (I start my weeks on Tuesday - the day I weigh myself.) Other than that, things are good here. Hope yall are doing well.

goooood stretch today

Technically today is the rest day of the week. So, there's really nothing on the schedule. I did a good stretch session today, got the lower body all loose and energized. Gonna have to realize that this fat guy didn't exercise for a looooooooooooooong, long time, so even the small stuff I'm doing is causing havoc on atrophied muscles. So stretching is going to increase from here on in. In other news, I've come in under my food limit the past two days, so that's a nice direction to continue in. Other than that, I am organizing and cleaning things here.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

body starting to say ouch.

Well, did my walking at the VA again, went well. I'm trying to nail down my target heart rate, and I'm having a bit of difficulty. I have this Sportline heart-rate monitor, and it has a % next to the heart rate, and I'm kinda unsure of wtf that is for. Because, looking online and doing the heart-rate calculators, the percentages my Sportline gives me are not near correct. But on the other hand, if we say that the rate is correct, and just use the calculated percentage, it seems that I would damn near die at that heart rate. Which may be correct, because, c'mon, I am a fat guy, or something's amiss. Oh well, I'll do more research tomorrow. As for tonight, after not stretching or cooling down long enough at the VA, then sitting in my car for about 45 minutes in traffic, my lower body is not pleased with trying a cardio routine. I went ten minutes before all systems said "fuck you dan, we're telling you to stop, here's the pain..." So, I decided that with the two-a-day routine I've been on, maybe I am taking it a little more than I should be right away. Tonight I will stretch for a good bit, and then a nice hot shower, and then off to sleep.


Well, managed not to eat last night. That's a good thing. But woke up this morning and had some chocolate cake that is still in the damned house. It's kinda difficult to stick to a plan when noone else is doing it, and there are temptations all around. Also, it just seems like I don't have the full support that I need. Like what I'm doing is some sort of joke to be amused at. Oh well.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

good stuff

It's 11pm, I finished my workout, which means again, I did two workouts, now a three day streak. It's not too intense that I will burn out, it's enough that I feel energized afterwards and still feel good in the morning. However, with the walking I started, I got a new set of sneakers. Well, my feet have not been doing anything for a long time, so, sweating in the sneakers, and the fact that they're new, well, I'll just say that my dogs are barking a bit. It won't hold me back.

momentum builds

So, the breakdown from the week that was: 5 out of 7 days, I ate too much. However, I did get in 6 days of activity/workout. I did LOSE another 2 pounds. Which was better than I thought, considering how much I screwed up food-wise. Also, did measurements, which I'll do every two weeks. I lost 1 and a half inches around my gut, 1 inch from my waist, and a half inch from my calves. My thighs and my neck stayed the same and my chest gained 2 inches. All in all, a very good beginning for two weeks in. I am pleasantly surprised, which helps to keep motivation high. I also went to the VA and walked the tunnels for an hour today, second day in a row. So, good habits are beginning.

i'm workin on it.

once again. late night cravings. wasn't really hungry. but still wanted something to eat. shiite.

hello, my name is productive.

Bout to hit the rack, but wanted to check in. I purchased some ready-made meals that will work with my plan. So that should make it rather simple to eat the right stuff. Also, went to the VA today and walked the tunnels for an hour - in addition to my normal cardio routine today. So I am easing into more activity which is nice. I feel pretty good about things today. Tomorrow is weigh in and measurements. So we'll see how well or not well I did this week. If it's not good, I'm okay with that. I haven't given up, and am still following the plan. Small steps, that's the mindset.

Monday, January 11, 2010

not yet mentally strong enough to resist temptation

So, when I see a chocolate cake sitting there on the counter, I fail and eat a piece. Awesome. Fantastic way to start the day.


I was all set, in bed, good day. And I couldn't sleep. I was hungry, so I ate. I shoulda been sleeping, rather than eating. But nope. Other way around. So that's a little more than I wanted to eat today. And now it's good that I can't sleep, because I'd like to digest the damned food before I sleep.

Looking at the weekly review, I was way too lax in food choices, and logging it here as well. I got complacent after a week of losing weight. Well, lesson learned. We'll see how much I screwed up come weigh in on Tuesday, but I gotta start planning my meals and sticking to it. I've almost got portions under control, now it's about what I eat, and when.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

very productive today

actually, the last couple of days have been pretty productive. I have sorted through years of mail. My previous "important papers/mail to save" procedure involved keeping all statements from all bank, credit card, etc. accounts, opened or not, in a container. plus mail from specific places, and during specific times that i was unable to receive mail. Plus, mixed in with important paperwork is mixed nostalgia/sentimental stuff. So, it began to pile up, and I had many file folders and containers and the like around, taking up space. I figured, if it was really important, I probably would have referenced it in the last say 5 years. But, no. So, I waded through it, and decided what was to be kept - ie. important papers, nostalgic papers, etc. and what was to be discarded - either by garbage or by shredder. And boy was there a lot to shred. I'm almost done. Just another small file container. And I think I will be proactive and decide some sort of filing system for the future, rather than just accumulate all of this shit again. Also, did more laundry, and sorted what fit me now, and what was too small (in other words, stuff I was too fat for), keeping the stuff that didn't fit, so I can wear it soon.

On the exercise front, I did cardio in the morning, and am on schedule for another workout in about a half hour, which will make up for not working out on friday. I might even shave my face tonite.

good way to start the day

Woke up, had an apple instead of some of the chocolate cake that is downstairs. I then did a cardio workout. Now it's time to eat - probably a chicken cutlet, rice and gravy. OK, well, that's the scoop.

almost back on track

I exercised today, a good cardio workout, but I screwed up with the things I ate. All of these weak thoughts, cravings, rationalizing "well, I have been good, so I can eat this." They need to go. The first week I was strong, and now it's like "well, I did good last week, so I can have this." That's crap. So, I need to work on the mental approach some more. I'm upset that the good momentum I had last week, and the building of good habits is now gone. Time to start from zero again.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

yesterday was a bust

The streak is broken. I wasn't feeling well after dinner last night, and didn't motivate myself to exercise. Plus I ate too much crap. So, today I have to reach down and grab hold to get myself to exercise.

Friday, January 8, 2010

today is a challenge...

As per the workout schedule, yesterday was an off day. So today, I start again. Well, I woke up tired, and retreated into bed, and haven't gotten anything productive today. So, motivation is down, energy is down, momentum is null, it's gonna take something to get me going.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

amazing what a haircut can do...

I had all this extra motivation, I decided to get a motivated haircut. That's me, before and after. Still ugly, but with shorter hair.

Also, spent 45 minutes cleaning out the shed, sweating my arse off in the 32 degree heat. I'm getting my body used to activity regularly. Just because I had the day off from exercise, doesn't mean I sat around all day. And I fell pretty happy about that.

snacking away

on baby carrots. healthy and filling. yowza

(trumpets and horns) 6 days this week, goal attained!

Tomorrow I have a rest day. But today, I have successfully worked out the first 6 days of the year. From here, it will be the same: 6 days of working out, one day of rest. I am actually looking forward to working out, because I get to brag about it here. I also have a calendar that I put stickers on for each day I work out. I want to get to February with 27 stickers all over it. I feel fantastic. It's such a motivating thing. Small steps, but they're still steps. I'm thrilled.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

5 days. the streak is safe for another day.

5 days of working out in a row?! that's more days this week than in all of last year. That's awesome! I am a little sore each day, but it's a good sore, a sore that says "someday soon, you won't look like a turtle flailing around on its shell as you try to get out of bed." Each workout that ends with me covered in sweat says "I am here to reclaim this body. I am back in charge. And fatty, I see you. You're goin down!"
I think I am going to bed now.

tired again. this time from eating too much dinner.

so now i have to wait. gotta give me tome to digest the too much food, and then get ready to exercise, and then shower. and by the time i'm done with all that, i will be awake, and unable to fall asleep. a voice in my head says "quit yer bitchin" so disregard all of this.

here i come to save the day...

Yes, if you look to your left, you will notice that the number of pounds to lose has lessened. I am proud to announce I've lost 5 pounds. Happy about that I am. Like Yoda I am talking.

Monday, January 4, 2010

i feel much better now

although it was an abbreviated (and interrupted) session, I sweated my ass off for a bit, and got the workout done. I just got out of the shower and am ready to crawl into bed and hopefully sleep soon. It's amazing, the feeling of accomplishment from a work out is great, but the feeling after a workout that i really contemplated not doing, was so much better, like I had defeated the slacker in me for one night. Hope all of you out there are doing well.

really not feeling like exercising tonite

but with the eating too much today, and it being the end of the 1st week, I really don't want to screw up my streak. I just don't have much energy right now. but maybe once i start, and then it's over, i can sleep and get up early tomorrow. meh. we'll see.

today is the last day of week 1,

and I ate too much today. not "ate too much food" as much as "ate the wrong food. So, that sucks. But looking back at the week that was:
4 out of 7 days: I ate too much, be it overeating or eating wrong;
the remaining 3 days: I ate the right foods and the right serving sizes;
so, 43% of the week, I worked my program. That is not a bad percentage to start with.

note to self:

bologna is not a good choice for lunch meat.

just woke up. gotta find a way to beat the sleep.

so, yeah, i lost the battle last night, got to strategize some new attack tonight with the sleep thing. perhaps some melatonin. i dunno. I am awake now though, and so being awake now means I missed my appointment at the VA and also have to wait until tomorrow to pick up some important paperwork.
The weather is really grating on my nerves. I do not like shoveling snow, or driving in it, or digging my car out of it. So the snow yesterday was not welcomed by me. And the snow on my car should magically disappear. Chances of that happening? About the same as me standing on a scale right now and being less than two hundred pounds.

doonesbury and post-traumatic stress disorder

The Doonesbury comic has run a continuing series based on a character who went to Iraq, lost a leg, and is battling PTSD. It's extremely funny to me, and dead-on-balls accurate. It's amazing to see something I continue to work through played out in the funny pages. I urge anyone interested in it to visit here.


"When I come across those moments when I'm feeling so deliriously happy that I can't stand it (moments that, through all of my work on the blog and because of some pretty awesome things in my life, are becoming more and more frequent...), I feel a slight sense of panic, thinking to myself, "Watch out! That happiness is going to leave you and then where will you be?" Having lived so long in a state of unhappiness, I actually have begun to mistrust the happy times, as if they are some deadbeat who will come and leave at whenever it's convenient. When I see happiness coming my way, I tend to look suspiciously at it out of the corner of my eye, wondering just how long it's going to stick around this time. 
I realize, of course, that that's not the best way to handle the happiness I'm experiencing. It's not productive and it certainly takes away from the happy feelings. I've found myself struggling with this a lot lately. I've felt very happy, but it's almost as if I don't want to feel that happy because I'm scared of not always feeling that happy. Like most people, I go through ups and downs -- sad times and happy times -- but I find that, while I fully embrace the sad times, wallowing in them for all they're worth, I hesitate when it comes to happiness. I find myself standing on the edge of it, just dipping my toe in like it's freezing cold water. Even though I'm burning up and would love to dive into its refreshing coolness, I still stand on the edge of the pool, dipping one foot in and then the other, my heart hesitating, my mind telling me it's much too cold to jump in.
To be perfectly honest, this fear is starting to get on my nerves. I see other people jump in fearlessly, un-fazed by the chill and popping up from under the water refreshed and relaxed. Why can't I do that? Why I can't I just jump in, untethered by my fear of losing a happiness that, before now, I didn't even know I would be scared to lose? I know I'm not the only one up to my ankles in happiness water, scared to submerge my full self, but sometimes I feel very, very frustrated by the way that I hold myself back."

This absolutely pegs my view of happiness. I could not have written it any better. If you like this, you can find it here:

sleep, where have you gone?

It's 137am and I cannot sleep. Once again, sleep eludes me at the time that I seek it, only to ambush me when I want to be awake. I need to reset my body clock so I sleep at the right hours and wake up at the right hour. This has been an ongoing problem since I returned from Iraq in 2005. Thankfully, the nightmares, the hypervigilance, and the anxiety has abated mostly, and now it's simply a physical thing, rather than my mind fucking with me all night. Those times were really, really bad. Still, I'd love to get on a good sleep schedule and have it be a long-term thing. Oh well, I am awake.
So, now that I am awake, what shall I do? Obviously, one option is to sit here and continue yapping away on my blog. Another option is to get some organizing done of personal papers. But I've been putting that off for quite a while, with no good reason, and I'm not sure if I want to tackle that mountain right now. I do have a bit of stuff to do tomorrow: I need to get some paperwork to send to a prospective employer; I have an appointment at the VA, continuing my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for my PTSD; I also need to find some paperwork to send to my insurance company for a hospital visit from November, 2008. Which brings me back to tackling that mountain of paperwork, to find the stuff I need to send out.
OK, well, I'm off the web for awhile. Real productive times here.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

yep, fat guy exercised again.

i guess it's not big news that i've exercised again. i figure by now, people are used to it. or so i hope that i am used to it. they say it takes at least twelve days for a new action to become a habit. well, i'm a quarter of the way there.
say goodbye to the first weekend of the new decade, mine was productive and satisfying. hope yall out there enjoyed it too.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: the fat guy exercises AGAIN!

damn, I am out of shape. but that's why I exercise, right? Or at least, that's what I'm telling myself. So a cardio and abs workout. Nothing too difficult, but it definitely had me gasping for air and sweating like a stuck pig. I feel like I accomplished something, both in the fact that I worked out two days in a row, and in the fact that while I wanted to quit or not workout, I didn't. I stopped that part of the brain from talking, and did the workout. Feels good.  Hopefully, this will become a habit, a normal part of my routine. I'm definitely motivated about it.

awake and ready to face the day

I slept rather well, when I did finally get to sleep. I lay awake for a while, unable to sleep. But, that's normal. It snowed here again. I ate a meal and drank some more water. and I feel pretty decent right now.

Friday, January 1, 2010

big news: fat boy exercises!

And man, what an ego killer and reality check. I am one fat out of shape blob of worthlessness. but I did the program, well most of it. If I go all out, I'm liable to hurt myself, and then I can't exercise at all. I drank a lot of water and ate a meal. I am getting into the habit of drinking lots of water during meals, so that I eat less, and chewing more so I eat slower, both an attempt to 'listen' to my stomach and realize that I'm satisfied and no longer need to finish the meal. I made sure to stretch a lot after the workout, in the hopes of not hurting too much. Now it's time to finish some cleaning and shower the grime off.

ps: sorry about the difficulty in following along, if you had any. my mind sometimes jumps around with things it is interested in.

A new year begins

I'm finishing up resetting the room. I feel real secure when my living space is clean and organized. I don't know why, it's not like I can't operate in the mess. I mean, hell, I make it a mess and leave it like that for a while, but once I get it the way I like it, I just feel safe and content. One of my resolutions is to keep the clean throughout 2010. Speaking of resolutions, I have some more.

Get outside my comfort zone - If I don't there's really no real way to grow and flourish.
Volunteer - I used to enjoy helping others, I don't think I ever stopped enjoying it, so I want to do this again.
Get new hobbies - I used to do many things, like woodwork and other stuff, so I'm gonna start again.
Open a savings account - It's time to get more responsible with my money.

These are only a couple.