Monday, January 4, 2010


"When I come across those moments when I'm feeling so deliriously happy that I can't stand it (moments that, through all of my work on the blog and because of some pretty awesome things in my life, are becoming more and more frequent...), I feel a slight sense of panic, thinking to myself, "Watch out! That happiness is going to leave you and then where will you be?" Having lived so long in a state of unhappiness, I actually have begun to mistrust the happy times, as if they are some deadbeat who will come and leave at whenever it's convenient. When I see happiness coming my way, I tend to look suspiciously at it out of the corner of my eye, wondering just how long it's going to stick around this time. 
I realize, of course, that that's not the best way to handle the happiness I'm experiencing. It's not productive and it certainly takes away from the happy feelings. I've found myself struggling with this a lot lately. I've felt very happy, but it's almost as if I don't want to feel that happy because I'm scared of not always feeling that happy. Like most people, I go through ups and downs -- sad times and happy times -- but I find that, while I fully embrace the sad times, wallowing in them for all they're worth, I hesitate when it comes to happiness. I find myself standing on the edge of it, just dipping my toe in like it's freezing cold water. Even though I'm burning up and would love to dive into its refreshing coolness, I still stand on the edge of the pool, dipping one foot in and then the other, my heart hesitating, my mind telling me it's much too cold to jump in.
To be perfectly honest, this fear is starting to get on my nerves. I see other people jump in fearlessly, un-fazed by the chill and popping up from under the water refreshed and relaxed. Why can't I do that? Why I can't I just jump in, untethered by my fear of losing a happiness that, before now, I didn't even know I would be scared to lose? I know I'm not the only one up to my ankles in happiness water, scared to submerge my full self, but sometimes I feel very, very frustrated by the way that I hold myself back."

This absolutely pegs my view of happiness. I could not have written it any better. If you like this, you can find it here:

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