Sunday, January 31, 2010

let's take a step to the side, k?

One of the blogs on the left in the blog roll is called positively present. I go there occasionally. Sometimes I don't go there because, as you could probably guess by the last post, I was pretty pissed off, and there ain't nothin positive about it. But I take a look there from time to time, to read on how others are positive in the face of adversity, or who are able to simply forget the bad shit, and focus on the good. I've experienced bad shit in my life - not more than anyone else, except maybe it's affected me more than it might someone else. So, I am, and have been for quite a while, a negative person. Sometimes it's not overtly negative, and sometimes it's so damned negative you could feel it pouring off of me a mile away. I don't like being negative. I'd rather be positive. Hell, I'd settle for neutral. Anyway, I goto positively present to read how others exist happily, to see if I can take anything from it.
One of the themes I have come across is the idea of acceptance. I have been told that I should accept things that have happened, and let them go, and move on. I have no idea how to do this. So I keep the negative emotions I have about many different events that have happened, and I cannot accept things. I cannot move on. I would like to. But something in my thought process, my intelligence, says that accepting is forgetting. Accepting is saying that it's ok what happened, and it doesn't bother me. Accepting is saying, well, no big deal, what's for dinner? I can't do that. I have a serious problem with that idea. But I want to accept things, and let go of the negative emotions, and move on and grow. So, it's a catch-22. Acceptance, which has a negative connotation to it already in my mind, or Stubbornly not accept, and continue to be negative. It sucks.
I want to know how to accept. I want to know how to reconcile in my mind the idea of acceptance without it meaning that I am forgetting, or letting go of the things that have happened to me. This is just one of my issues.

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