Thursday, February 25, 2010

because i run this show

I watched the women's hockey gold medal game just now and got to thinking. It must be great to represent your country in the most televised and respected stage of sports. And then the thought went to, it must be nice to be picked to represent your country, even on a smaller stage. That turned into "Well, I did represent my country." Granted, the stage was not exactly televised, and it certainly wasn't sport. Also, there were a lot fewer people cheering us on and jumping up and down and focused on what we did. Don't get me wrong, family and friends were a huge help to me, but I'm thinking of the thrall that the nation is held in, whilst watching these olympics. I represented my country in combat, in furthering the interests and defense of its citizens. There were no commercial breaks. there was no medal ceremony. There was no great fanfare. For us, winning meant we came home. I won, because I brought my Marines home, and I came home. There was no "Miracle." And we certainly don't have any publicity anymore. We have no sponsorship contracts. Our signatures are not sought after. I do not mean to take anything away from the olympics nor the olympians. These were the thoughts in my head. And I think that others might do well to ponder them as well. Perhaps a simple thought may make someone go up and thank a veteran, or an active or reserve soldier or Marine. Because, while we watch the olympics every two years, and become fiercely patriotic about the downhill skiers or the men's basketball team, we should also realize that the uniform put on to represent this country isn't always worn for sporting events.

of winter's crappiness and eating poorly

Another winter storm is upon us. Eh. I'm still pretty depressed/demotivated. I've been eating a lot of Quiznos lately. Their 2 for 5 sammies and soup is what I get. Of course, if I was following my guidelines, and doing things the way they should be done, I would eat the sammie, and perhaps half the bowl of soup, and have the other half later on for a snack. Instead, I gorge myself on two (yep, fracking TWO) sammies and the whole bowl of soup at one time. So that's not boding well for my eating habits. It seems these last ten days or so have been really poor days in regards to eating habits and points values and all. Add that to not exercising all this week, and being sick to boot, and I think we're on the path to a second week of weight gain. To be honest, I would be thrilled at just staying even, where my weight is now. However, I just don't have a good feeling. Everybody is all "well, there are ups and downs in weight loss, just like depression and all that" and I know, but I'm just not feeling it at all anymore. Dammit.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


OK, well, mentally in a tough place. Demotivated, depressed, unhappy, can't quite see my way out yet. I'll get there, it just sucks right now. As for the weight gain, I'm unhappy about it, but I really can't be all that surprised or upset. I definitely overate all of last week, ate too close too bedtime, didn't exercise enough. Basically I reverted back to habits from ten weeks ago. So naturally, my body decided to revert back to that time as well. I haven't worked out yesterday nor yet today, so this week's not starting on a good note. However, ain't shit I can do about it, what's done is done. Anyway, have scouts tonight, and really don't want to go. But I will I guess. Really can't get much enthused for anything right now.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

in desperate need of motivation

can't get myself to get motivated and PT tonight. pretty demotivated cause of the weigh in. pretty anxious also because i need to wake up early for tomorrow and that means, need to goto sleep soon. dammit!!!!

two pounds back

So last week's eating extravaganza gained me two pounds. not happy.

Monday, February 22, 2010

another year older...

Wow, so I haven't posted in three days. That's the longest I've gone so far. Ok, here's the recap. I didn't workout on Saturday, Sunday, nor yet Today. Sunday was my birthday, and I just lounged around. Definitely ate some cake, and am out of weekly points right now. Good thing it's the end of the week. Tomorrow is weigh in. Wonder how it will look this time. Three days in a row using up my weekly points. Oh well.


Friday, February 19, 2010

goooooooood workout

Great cardio workout tonight. combination tae bo and the kicks/punches routine from p90. I also did a short strengthening routine, focusing on the biceps and deltoids. I mean, hey, while I'm losing weight and getting in shape, might as well make some good looking upper arms, right? Also added a new staple to the workout regimen from here on in: 50 pushups, 30 leg lifts and 25 situps each night in addition to whatever the normal night is. It's about time that I graduate to another level of workout. Not quite from say, beginner to expert, but somewhere in between beginner and intermediate. Time to see about stretching my wings, in a manner of speaking. By the way, we passed the halfway point, day 45 back on Monday.

I am not defined by my mental disorders.
I am not defined by my post-traumatic stress.
I am not defined by my anxiety.
I am not defined by my depression.
I am human.
I am strong-willed, confident, vibrant, flawed, worthy and unique.
I am an asset to my family.
I am a comfort to my friends in tragedy.
I have much left in me to show the world.

Well, time to get a shower and relax. Hope yall have a good night.


90 days no tobacco.

Phew, it doesn't even phase me anymore. I quit tobacco, and the only way I knew today was 90 days is that little timer under the logo. Well, that timer is going to go soon. I figure, I haven't thought about dipping or had any cravings in a long long time, so I'm over it. I'm quite pleased.

In other news, definitely went over my daily points allotment for two days in a row. Also, looked at my history through the past three weeks, and there are too many days where I don't know what I ate. Last week was understood, I was in CT. but there is a day here and there that I have no data from, so I'm not pleased with that. Gotta get beck to basics, and make sure I follow the plan. Also, ate a lot today, and so have little points remaining for the rest of the day. this is the third day in a row that has happened, and also, slept all day again. Not good, grasshopper. Gotta get back on that horse. All this shows is that I am not perfect, which I never really thought I was. But it does illustrate that I am once again getting complacent. I will not continue to lose weight or get in shape if I fail to follow the plan. The plan works. Now I have to work it.

As for today, I had two bagels with skinny cow cheese and two glasses of chocolate 2% milk for breakfast. There goes 13.5 points. For lunch (really not all that long afterward) I had two "pizzas" made from dinner rolls. There's another 21 points. So now, I've got 2.5 points left for today, and down to only 6 remaining for the weekly allowance. Damn, that's just not good. Also, have no money right now for more health-conscious food, so I am pretty much fucked I'd say. I've gotten away from the mental willpower aspect of eating smaller portions. I've gotten away from eating healthy snacks like carrots or other fruits and veggies that have no points. I have had soda recently, which is 3 points per can, instead of water. So, yeah, I'm reverting back to form. Fortunately, it hasn't hurt me yet, but if I don't take care to correct these incidents, I sure am going to stop losing weight and start gaining it again. Aargh. Not fracking happy.


Thursday, February 18, 2010

Light day today.

Wanted to get a good workout in today because I didn't work out yesterday, but the body wasn't feeling it. so I did a very abbreviated cardio workout and a short strength workout. I'm kinda angry and unhappy at the moment, and I don't know if it's because of the workout or what, but I'm really not feeling happy or pleasant. I can actually feel myself getting more pissed off as the moments pass. And there ain't no good reason for it. So that's just not fracking cool. Plus, I dipped into my weekly points last night, and I am not happy about that, and for today, it's 1115pm and I am out of points. So it's hope against all hope that I go right to bed, or just accept that I will have to use some weekly points tonight as well. Not only that, but I have to be at the VA tomorrow and want to wake up early and rested, and I just don't see that happening, as the whole falling asleep thing is still not going well. So overall, I'm fracking AWESOME.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Of three days in a row exercising and doing bonus...

Good start so far to this calendar week. So, last post I kinda had a nutty about what I want to do with my life. On a possibly/not really/kinda related note, I was going through old papers and photos today, and saw pictures of me from my Life Before The Marine Corps. I was surprised how young I was and how serene I looked. Honestly, the word serene was in my head. I thought, "Oh, yeah, that was before all of this nasty crazy stuff happened and screwed my life up." But thinking about it now, I felt then that I had already been through nasty crazy stuff and that my life was already screwed up. So I'm kinda ambivalent of how I feel about it. As I showered tonight, I decided that it's time to banish that thought that my life is screwed up. Different maybe, difficult at times, but screwed up is too negative, and we're trying to change to a positive note here. So here we go:

I have experienced many difficult and stressful things in my life.
These stressful things have impacted the kind of person I am and the kind of outlook I have on the world.
I have experienced more life-or-death and life-changing incidents in my life so far than most people will in their entire lives.
I have experienced many losses of close family and friends.
These losses have impacted the way I form relationships and make friends.
I can choose to see the things that have happened to me as bad things, or as life learning experiences.
I can let depression and gloom and misery be the main force in my life, or I can decide to stop depression in its tracks.
I choose to change the path my life is on, and make something meaningful out of it.
I choose to be happy.

Congratulations to Tom and Niki on expecting their first child!


Welcome to week 8, and more weight loss.

So today's weigh-in went well, I lost another two pounds, so I'm now at 19 pounds lost. Which means I lose another point per day for my Weight Watchers food plan. Let's see how well I can do this. I'm excited. The appointment today went well, and I came home instead of staying at the VA and walking. It's snowing outside, and I didn't want to be on the roads later in the day. Anyway, good stuff today. I had a bagel with mozzarella and sauce - a pizza bagel. Good stuff.

another day, another week gone by.

Today is the end of week 7, tomorrow begins week 8. I have an 11am appointment at the VA, so weigh in should be after that. I'm actually not sure how it's gonna go. Last week I predicted I was gonna not lose any or maybe gain a pound, but I ended up losing two. This week, two days I was completely off the diet plan, but I worked out five days, so it's anyone's guess. I tell ya what though, Billy Blanks is one nasty mother with his Tae Bo cardio. Damn is that stuff gonna take some getting used to. But, it does get me exactly where my heart rate needs to be. This damn heart rate watch is so cool. Also, did some more strength exercises, just to add to today's workout. So for an "off" day, today was pretty damned good.
I have lots of phone calls to make tomorrow, so after the VA, I will be quite busy, hopefully. Also, I cut my hair, all motivated and such, shaved as well. I'm so fresh so clean.

Time for that sleep thing. FGSO

Monday, February 15, 2010

ooh la la

I went to the VA today, and picked up some medications that I was about to run out of, which is perfect timing. I also went shopping and picked up some food to eat that won't kill me. However, I only got out of bed around 3pm. Which sucks. I woke up early, like 10am, and then round noon, and each time went back to sleep. So, today was a lazy day. I guess I'm just recovering from the trip over the weekend.

I was sorting through my old computer files, and found pictures of me that I took back in 2006 when I started getting concerned about getting fat. Boy, if only I had started then. I also found measurements that I had taken then, and even with all that I am losing now, I'm not close to what I was then. But oh well. It just reinforces the fact that I am going to keep working on it, and it will happen at some point. I am also cleaning out my email, and it's mildly funny and also sad to read emails from years gone by.

I had a deviled egg today and a WW roasted potatoes and broccoli meal. I have exercise on the schedule today, even though technically Mondays are my "off" day. Seeing as this month's calendar already has 8 days of no exercise, I thought I'd use today wisely.

Hope all is well with you out there. FGSO

End of the weekend, but wait, tomorrow is a holiday!

Tomorrow we honor the presidents of this great nation. Well, really Washington and Lincoln. So tomorrow is a holiday. I have to goto the VA for some medications, so I hope that someone is kind enough to be working there. As for me, I finished tonight's workout, which instead of the normal cardio, I did the strength workout, and then I did 20 minutes of a Tae Bo workout, which was crazy tough. Definitely hit the target heart rate and higher quickly. So that's a nice new addition, because I can say that the cardio was never my favorite, and had gotten quite stale. I also have some Tai Chi that I want to start, plus some yoga to add to the regimen. All in all, I definitely over-ate today, with being out of simple low-points options, and also low on funds, I am going to shop tomorrow for some food for the week. Only wish I had some cash. Oh well.
My Valentine's Day was great, I spent time with myself. We had fun.

This is the Fat Guy, Signing Off.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

You have arrived at your destination.

Hey all. Back in New York. The weekend went well. If ever there was a day of cheating on my plan, yesterday was it. Today am not quite back on the horse, but am working in that direction. Also, today is that wonderful Hallmark holiday Valentine's Day. Yippidee doo dah day. Nothing much else to report. Hope you enjoy.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Goodbye God, I'm goin to Missouri!

OK, well Connecticut. Had a good strength workout. Going to forgo the cardio for lack of time, I didn't allocate enough time. I have to pack and shower for the trip up. Like I said, I'll be away for a couple of days, so I should be pretty much incommunicado until next week. Hope everyone enjoys the weekend.

Quickly, today's food log:

Lean cuisine southwest chicken panini in the morning. Smart ones southwest chicken flatbread in the afternoon, 1.5 cups Whole chocolate milk, boat loads of water, and wondering what is for dinner.


Of getting up early and such...

So, I had to be somewhere important today at noon. Which meant that I had to leave at roughly 1115. Which meant that I and my car had to be ready to leave no later than 1105. Which meant that I had to allot at least 25 minutes to digging it out. That makes 1040. I needed to wear a suit to this thing today, which means I had to goto the dry cleaner and pick it up. I also needed a new white shirt. So that's at least 30 minutes which makes it 1010. I also needed to shower and eat some breakfast, which makes roughly 930.
So I had to get up out of bed, and be functioning and responsive at 930 this morning. While this may not seem like such a tall order to most normal people, for me, it is a crapshoot as to whether I will get enough sleep (if any at all) to be awake and functioning that early. I didn't fall asleep until around 2am last night, and woke up at 6am. However, at 6am, it is waaaaay easier to fall asleep than it is at 10 or 11pm. So I went back to sleep. However, like a good little boy, I set an alarm. But not only one alarm -- I am immune to the charms of one alarm -- I set three. Two cell phones, strategically placed in far corners of the room, and a regular *beep* *beep* *beep* alarm clock. And lo and behold, I awoke when I wanted to, and accomplished all I needed to, and more.
I spent a half hour at the DMV after my appointment, and got my license renewed. That's the least amount of time ever spent in the DMV having accomplished what I needed to. The world just might spin off its axis today.
I'm going up to Connecticut tonight for my uncle's birthday. So that means that for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I won't be able to be as picky with what I eat, nor will I really exercise. So, today, I plan on watching what I consume, as well as doing a good long cardio workout and a good hard strength workout, because I'll have plenty of recovery time.

On a different note, I am trying to educate more people who know me about the inner workings of PTSD. This site is pretty good at explaining some things. There are others out there if you are interested. OK, that's it for me. time to get some relaxing in before the exercise begins.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Errr. Exercise

Well, after not exercising in over 10 days, my body is not pleased right now. But I exercised today, did the cardio. It's gonna suck this week, but once I get back into the groove, it'll suck less. It's still snowing out, which sucks I guess. I have to go out tomorrow at noon, and then we're traveling to Connecticut, so I really don't care about the snow as long as the roads are good tomorrow so I can get done what I need to get done. Other than that, I'll have dinner soon, and then I'm gonna attempt two nights in a row of being asleep early. That way, tomorrow can be here sooner. Or at least it will seem sooner.

Productivity - it's the new thing

You may have heard something on the news - there's a good ol' snowstorm brewing outside right now. So I'm in the house, doing some more laundry, cleaning and organizing. I really feel better each time I do this. So today is a washout with the snow. I'm almost out of the pre-packaged meals, and I am way over the points budget for today already, so oh well. But the good thing is, I am following the plan and logging the food. So, for the cheap seats, let's run down yesterday's food log, and then we'll get into today's:

I had a Smart Ones Roasted Turkey Breast meal and two 100-calorie Thomas Bagels with a can of pepsi in the morning - total of 10.5 points. I had some macaroni and meat sauce and pepsi for lunch, for a rough total of 12.5 points. I had some more mac and beef, cheetos and chocolate milk (after my workout) in the evening, for 15 points. All in all, that was a good point day. Not necessarily a good food day, as in I should not be drinking pepsi (I have had a couple of cans the last few days after not drinking it for about 5 weeks) Also, not necessarily getting the food triangle complete, but it's still a work in progress.

Today, at roughly 345am, when I woke up (Yes, woke up, because I went to sleep around 1030pm, which was awesome) I had 4 of the 100-calorie bagels with fat-free american cheese. Plus two glasses of chocolate milk. Yeah, I guess the lack of eating before bed made me more hungry when I awoke. So there went 22 points. Later on, I had more mac and beef and sauce and milk, except we're out of 2% milk, so that's whole milk, which really upped the points total. that was another 21.5 points. Word for the day: AWESOME.

But I feel good, and am being productive, and am in a decent mood. So, all in all, things are good. Hope everyone who has a snow day today enjoys it.

Oh, and I exercised last night, not sure if I posted that. 


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Good afternoon, my name is productive.

Well, I'm still having sleep issues, but I am feeling better and more positive, so I'm continuing to climb up on out of this damned hole. Took my bi-weekly measurements, and am continuing to see the physical changes that come with losing 17 pounds. I'm encouraged. I've started to straighten up round here, I had let two loads of laundry pile up, which is out of the ordinary now. So one's in the wash, and the other is ready to go. I made a few phone calls, I have some things I need to get done: One of them is getting the damned VA to pay me for my last semester of college, which was waaaay back in 2008. I also need to assemble paperwork for my insurance company and call other contacts. I'm getting better, but I have usually had a habit of procrastinating so long, and by the time I try to address an issue, it has blown way out of proportion. I'm trying to fix that, and it's not so bad right now.

Overall, I have accomplished many things so far this year, with regards to resolutions, and life-changes to improve my day-to-day living. I have made a habit of keeping a cleaner living area and environment; I am on top of correspondence when it comes in; I have opened a savings account in order to save for that "rainy day" or emergency; I have totally changed my eating habits; I have become more physically active, and it's making me healthier in other ways - heart-wise, lungs; I am having more good days than bad; which is nice. So overall, 40 days into the new year, and things are going well.

Thanks to all of you who continue to visit and follow my journey.


Monday, February 8, 2010

A Very Pleasant Surprise...

So, I was totally not expecting to lose two pounds this week, considering the lack of exercise and logging of or following the food plan. But I'll definitely take it. Very happy about that. I also had a good meeting at the VA, I'm all set up for a new program starting next week. Tomorrow, I have the dentist appointment. Anticipating quite a bit of pain. Oh well, can't change that. Once it's over, I'll be home recuperating for the week. Hope all is well out there.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

climbing the ladder out of the depression.

It's a work in progress. I've not exercised this week, except for Tuesday. and I won't next week, because I have a tooth extraction on Tuesday that should knock me out pretty good all week. I also haven't been logging my food this week. Let's also say that I won't be doing that this week, cause I'll be laid up. So let's hope that by the 15th, I am in some sort of condition to get back on the horse and log the food, follow the plan and exercise. I am not worrying about the next two weigh-ins. It is what it is, can't change it. This week's will be tomorrow, instead of Tuesday, because of the dentist. Other than that, my Saints won the Super Bowl. The Rangers beat the Devils and all is right with the world.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


So I found out that I didn't get a job I was hoping to, because of a mistake I made six months ago. It sucks, and is depressing, because I know that I didn't have to make that kind of shitty mistake. But, hey, you frak up and you pay the consequences. Still, I'm pretty dejected right now.

Foodwise, had two meals of naan bread and hummus. I like it. It's pretty low points, and tasty. However, I need to start adding fruits and vegetables to my diet and watching portions again. Time to go back to the drawing board.

here sleepy sleepy, here sleepy sleepy

Sleep is nowhere to be found. So since I was awake with all this wonderful energy, I did an abbreviated second exercise routine. I feel pretty good, the heart is pumping, sweat is pouring, and all things considered, I like it. I'd like more to have done this second workout, say at 9pm, and have been sleeping since maybe 1130 or midnight, but alas, it's 4am and I am wide awake. Awesome.


food log and hopefully sleep

crossing my fingers that i get to sleep and no more food, I will come in under the limit by half a point. I had some naan bread, some (way too much) 100 calorie chocolates, a bagel, a breakfast sandwich, some milk. dammit I wish I could lock up the fridge after 200am.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Week 6.

Five weeks are gone, and I'm still at this whole weight loss thing. I'm pretty impressed with myself. I had the weigh-in this morning, and I lost another pound. So now total of 15. I think I'm now passed that initial phase of 3-5 pounds per week, and now I anticipate seeing only 1-2 pounds per week from here on in. Of course, every now and then something might be different, but anything more than 2 per week is unhealthy. So I just have to realize that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and it took a while to put on this much weight, it's gonna take a little while to get rid of this much weight. I need to continue to do the right things and be happy with a smaller weekly loss. As long as the weekly changes continue to be losing weight, I should (and hope I do) be happy. So today is day 1 of Week 6, which means that today also syncs with my exercise regimen, which I am happy to say I completed for today.
As for the food log, today was grocery shopping day, and there was a sale on Lean Cuisine, so I mostly bought that instead of the Smart Ones, and we'll see how the food compares. I had french bread cheese pizza for lunch, and it was pretty good. I didn't have breakfast, which I know is not a good thing, but I was awake all night, and finally got to sleep around 745am, and well, it wasn't pretty.I hydrated all day, so thats a good thing.
Still looking for work, must have sent out a couple dozen more resumes. Oh well, at some point, I'll get a call. I'll be back on here later tonite with an update on more food, cause one meal is not good for the day. Hope yall out there are doing well.

Fat Guy Signing Off...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Let's forget this week ever happened, k?

Well, this week was not so good in the overall. Hell, it sucked in the workout part of the house, with only two days out of six I worked out. and At this moment, I'm gonna go over the points for today, which means that four out of the seven days this week I ate too much. So, all in all, this probably is the week where I really became complacent and slacked off big-time. After four weeks of good progress and decent work, week 5 became a shit sandwich. How bad was it? I guess we'll see the damage tomorrow morning at the weigh-in. However, I'm not too confident with it. I need to try and get some sleep tonight, and then tomorrow, do my thing at the VA, get weighed in, and then do this week's food shopping.
So, all in all, I'm quite ready to forget this week, and move on like it never even happened. Of course, remembering in the back of my mind that I cannot afford to have another week like this, and certainly not consecutively.
This is Fat Guy, signing off.