Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Eating too much

I am getting in the habit again of logging my food. And that has made me see that I am over-eating again. I have hit a plateau, I have been at the same weight, plus or minus a pound, for the last six weeks. So, this week I am getting more exercise. Two days into this week, two days of exercise. The food logging is good, it is a tool I can use to modify my food intake - both amount and what I eat. So, even if I'm finding out how well I'm not eating, it is still a good learning experience.

Anyway, hope you all had a good day. Thanks again for all who "liked" the Facebook page, and feel free to tell other people. Even if it's just a "hey, look at this fat guy." I'm easy.

Great Scott!

Today I went on another walk/run, this one for 2.5 miles. I ran for just over a mile, with the remainder walking. I felt better running today. I think slowly my body is getting in the form of running again. Plus, I am getting a little better at pushing my limits. Today was good. Now it's time for some water and a shower.

Fantastic Day!

It's a beautiful day outside! I am going to head out for a run soon.

I got myself a new job! I quit last Friday, and am going to start work at my new job sometime in the next week. It's more money for regular hours, so who can complain about that? I'm sure I'll be complaining about it soon enough. But for today, I'm pretty happy about it.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The start of a new week. Week Five.

So this week I'm trying to hunker down. Today didn't really do so hot. I am over my points total and have taken a chunk out of my weekly 35 points allotted. However I went for a 2.5 mile run/walk which was absolutely great (once it was over). So, I figure I continue to add activity points, and I'll make up for the lost weekly points. Plus, still gotta work on the mindset, both for watching what I eat, and for exercise. I got out and exercised today, but there was quite a debate in my head as to whether or not I was going to. So, I've got some more work to do.

Thanks for visiting.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday Mumblings

So last night, I totally ate like a pig right before going to bed. Oh well. Today has been pretty good so far as far as food goes. It's a process, and I have to get back into the habit. I'll get there, it just is gonna take some time.

My friend Angel came by the house today - the first time I've seen her in over 12 years! She looks great, and it was great catching up.

Thanks for all those who have connected to the Facebook page. I really do appreciate all your support.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

good day today

So, I am within my points value for the day, which is very cool. I haven't been keeping up on this, and when I tried, I usually ended up going over sometime around mid-day, so I gave up. But today, things are looking pretty good. Of course, I have yet to get into bed, and that's where the late-night munchies strike. So we'll see. I have faith.

Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed their weekend. I did some more cleaning up around my room and such. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I had a boost of energy, and started to staighten up my room. Dad then came home, after going grocery shopping, and we put the groceries away. We also cleaned out the fridge and the cupboard, both things which have needed to be done for a while now. It feels good once again to be productive. For those who know me, and have been reading this blog, this is a good sign that my depression is lifting at least somewhat.

A Lot of Things Different, part 2

I have a picture of me, on the phone. I'm at the airport, about to get on a plane which would take me away from New York, and bring me to New Orleans for the first time. I'm 18 years old, and am excited, because that plane trip is basically the "beginning" of a whole new life for me. I would get on that plane, and start my college career.

I graduated High School in June of 1999. I left for NROTC Orientation at Tulane in August 1999. I was really "busy." I put busy in quotes because, looking back on it now, I see I was simply self-involved. But, as an 18 year old kid, I was doing important things, and some things that I didn't deem as important, well, they didn't get done.

The reason this picture is notable, is because it's the last time that I spoke to my Nana before she died. See, I was "too busy", and it "wasn't that important" for me to make time to go and see Nana and Pop before I left for college. Nana had fallen and broken her hip a few days before I was to leave for school. I hadn't finished packing and I wasn't concerned that a broken hip would be life-threatening, so I didn't go see her, even then. At the airport, I spoke to her on the phone, saying so log, and hoping that she felt better soon. My dad snapped the picture, which still bothers me today, 11 years later.

So, I get to Tulane, and I get started with ROTC Orientation, which was great. I felt like I had finally gotten somewhere where I belonged, and where I was good at something again. On the last day of orientation, my Dad called to tell me that Nana had passed away.

The moral of this story: Make time for the people who love you. Let them know how much you love them. Don't ever put this off till tomorrow.

There are many people in my life without whom I would not be here. To list them all would be difficult, and to list some of them may snub others. But I appreciate them all, and thank God every night for their help.

Friday, June 25, 2010

In a bad spot. Don't know which way is up.

I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am caught in the grip of a severe depression, unlike any I've had for a long time. I am so screwed up that I am hurting my family, I sent nasty emails to my best friend, and am just snapping at everybody who I care about.

I have no reason for being anymore. I quit my job today, so I don't have that as a reason to get up in the morning. Even if that reason failed to get me up most of this week, so whatever. I have no drive, no ambition. I have nothing that I am working toward. I have no "reason." I can't really describe it more than that. I am lonely, I am missing someone to be around every day. I am just plain in a bad way. And I don't know what to do.

I am truly sorry to my family and friends who I have been quite an ass to lately. I'll try to not do that so much.

A Lot of Things Different

When I was 15, I had a pretty sweet gig going. I worked at the hockey rink, which was literally 5 minutes from my house. I skated to work. I worked as a scorekeeper, I worked as a referee, and I worked in the pro shop. When I wasn't working, I was playing hockey. I was on quite a few different teams, and I would spend all day at the rink, day in and day out.

I loved playing hockey. I had started maybe a year or more after my mom died. I used hockey as my outlet, as my refuge, as my escape. I had friends at the rink that I saw everyday, and I felt at home there.

And then I destroyed it.

I was working in the pro shop, and Bobby was hanging out there. One of the younger kids, a fat kid (ironic, I know) named Fitz, who was made fun of a lot, was getting dressed after his hockey game. When he went off somewhere, he left his hockey skates sitting there, out in the open. Bobby said, let's steal the wheels.

I've never really been good at social things, and at that time in my life, I was easily swayed by peer pressure. That's not an excuse, but simply an aside that may be insightful.

So, I agreed to steal the wheels off this kid's skates. We took the skates into the pro shop where I was working, and I took the wheels off, and we hid the wheels. I'm not sure if in the end we were going to steal the wheels outright, or if we were just going to hide them on the kid. But anyway, we hid the wheels.

As we were doing this, a voice inside my head, the rational, honorable voice - the voice that guided me with the ideas I was raised with - told me that what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was wrong, and there was no getting around it. I wasn't stupid, I wasn't tricked, I wasn't ignorant of my actions. But, even as I knew it was wrong, there was another voice, this one urging me to go along with Bobby. Saying that my friends wouldn't like me, and I wouldn't fit in, if I said no. And, unfortunately, this was the louder voice, this voice won.

So when Fitz returned and was looking for his skates, we were still in the process of hiding the wheels. Fitz ends up telling his mom, who pitches a fit (and rightly so) and Bobby and I end up getting in trouble. Now, to this day, I have no idea what Bobby said or did when they asked him what happened. I know that when they asked me, I told the truth. I remember the owners ended up calling my father, and telling him. And both Bobby and I were suspended from playing hockey or even going to the rink for 3 months or something like that.

Well, when I came home, my dad said he was proud of me for telling the truth. And that I would have to face the consequences - ie. not being allowed to goto the rink for 3 months or so. So I don't goto the rink for a while. But I hear that Bobby has gone back there, and nobody is stopping him from being there, so I guess the suspension is done with.

Anyway, I go back to the rink, and nothing is as it was. I was still allowed to play there, but I was fired from the pro shop and the other jobs. Everything in my sweet little world was done. Over. And I could never get it back.

I gradually played less and less hockey, until I stopped altogether. I haven't felt like part of something - team or otherwise, since then, and that feeling of not belonging has only increased with everything else that has happened in the following 14 years.

I was listening to Kenny Chesney in the car, and heard "A Lot of Things Different," and I got to thinking. There are many things I wish I did or didn't do, and this is one of the first ones I thought of.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i was running

i went for a small slow run. not even a mile. man am i a fat slow ass.

nother wasted day

I left my bed today to goto the VA and pick up my new glasses. I also went and got a haircut. Not sure why, but I did. I am so physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted I can barely see straight. But alas, I am alive.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

days like today scare me.

i have yet to get out of bed and I called off of work today because I really didn't feel like doing anything. I had a thought earlier "what if I'm just not ready to do this again?" What if I have just been getting by these last few months, and it's now time for the truth - and that truth may be that I cannot do this. What happens then? What do I do? I have very little capacity for self-motivation. I used to have huge self-motivation, but now, I can hardly motivate myself to do anything.

I really have no goals lately either. I mean, sure I would love to continue to lose weight, but I really don't have any firm goals anymore. Even this last goal, on the right, "6 pounds to go" has been there for quite some time, and I really don't care that much about it. I would like to make money, but that's just a desire. I don't have a goal as to how much or whatever. And as far as going to Israel, well, I'm going, but there's not a definitive idea in mind that "I want this to happen." So the lack of self-motivation is deep enough to get in the way of actually setting goals for myself.

I just re-read the last line and I think it's safe to substitute "lack of self-motivation" for depression, wouldn't you say?

Monday, June 21, 2010


Hello from the other side of the weekend. I promised a post over the weekend, but didn't deliver. I am sorry about that, it was quite a tiresome weekend. I worked 11 and a half hours on Friday, and then was up early Saturday for a Cub Scout movie fundraiser. More on that later.
I am in the last stages of my job working at Home Depot. I really don't like it anymore, and more importantly, the money is not good. So while I still go to work and make some money, I am really not into it anymore. Hopefully something will take me in a new direction soon.
I'm tired tonight, and I'd like to fix my sleep schedule, so I'm off.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

glad you called

I worked out tonight! Which ends a streak of two days without it. Also, that means in the first 14 days, I worked out 5 of them. Which is a modest start. It could be worse, but there is certainly room for improvement. So the goal for the next two weeks is no fewer than 8 days.

I really didn't want to go to work today, after yesterday's debacle. But I did, albeit I went in late, around noon. So that means that tomorrow will be an early day, as I have much to finish. And it being Friday, I would like my day to end before 730pm which was when today's ended.

I am sitting here sweaty and tired and feeling great that I exercised. But now it's time to eat dinner, and then shower. I hopefully will get back on here to write a post I've been thinking about for a while. If not tonite, then definitely this weekend.

Thanks for stopping by.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

without the dark,

we wouldn't appreciate the light. Or so the saying goes. So, after yesterday's good day, today absolutely sucked. It started out with me getting freaked out when my dad tried to catch my attention as i was driving away. my dad has a real loud yell, and it screwed me up. I have a hard time with people yelling around me. If someone yells suddenly, and loudly, it equates in my head to someone being hurt or killed or dying, etc. So it wasn't a good thing. I was agitated when I got to work, because the workload for the day tripled right after I got there, so what I thought would be a good-paced day suddenly blew up into a no-way-in-hell-am-i-gonna-get-this-shit-done kind of day. Plus, I was worried about my dad, who had to go see a doc for an ailment he's been having. I worry about him, because he is not proactive in his health, and prefers to wait for something to be a big deal before he gets it taken care of. The way my mind thinks and operates, I automatically assume the worst, and worry that he'll put off getting seen by a doctor because "oh, I'm okay" and then it'll turn out its something huge and now he's really sick. It boils down to this really: I love my dad, and I am terrified that he will get sick and die. I am not ready for that, and I'm scared shitless every time he is sick. I don't know what I would do without him. There's no way I would be here today without his help and love and support since I came back from Iraq, and I need him to be here longer.

Anyway, so my day wasn't great. I ended up with a panic attack at work, and so I left, and didn't make much money, I feel like absolute crap now, both physically and mentally, and I don't know how much more I can take right now.

Hope your day was better.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

good day overall

The streak will end at three for the moment. Today was a great day at work, a good meeting at the VA, and spent some time at Freddy and Heather's house, visiting with my niece and nephew. So overall, a good day. Tomorrow I look forward to another day of work, so that's always fun. I feel great, much better these days. I am out of the funk that I was in the last week - 10 days. I guess it was just time for me to be depressed for a bit. I don't think it will ever go away, but who knows?

PS I gained a pound this week. Oh well. Also, I am at my mark for the points today!

Thanks for stopping by.

Monday, June 14, 2010

three days in a row!

Today was the third day in a row for me exercising. We would have to hearken back to April 2,3,4 for the last time that happened. Today was a good day overall. I woke up early, but went back to sleep, so I got started at work a little late. But overall, work was good, and I took care of organizing my tools and stuff. I ate moderately today, and am within my point allowance, which is fantastic! So today is a great start to the work week. I am tired and sweaty right now, and so I'm off to shower, and then watch some tv before bed.

Hope yall are good out there.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Ach, the sun

Well, I know why I was so tired earlier. I went walking and like an idiot, didn't put a single thought into sunscreen. So my forehead, which is quite large taking into account my receding hairline, is rather red right now. So, I've been drinking lots of water to make sure I get re-hydrated.

I did some cleaning in the room here, trash is ready to be put out, clean laundry is in its' place, etc. There is still some work to do, but I am pleased with it so far. I also went food shopping today, so I feel like I accomplished something today, which is always a good feeling.

I have a quick detour tomorrow morning to the VA, before I go to work. That shouldn't take long, hopefully. And if it does, oh well. Gotta be done.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by.

stop the presses!

I went walking today, which makes it TWO (2) days IN A ROW that I exercised! That hasn't happened in quite a while, so I am psyched about that. Also, the last few days I have gone to bed early (round midnight) and awoke without an alarm at roughly 715am. This can be rather nice if I continue the pattern.
In other news, I'm still wasting lots of time on my MacBook Pro, changing this and learning that. It's definitely a good investment over the last computer. I have got to clean this damn room, and hopefully I'll do that tonight. I am actually quite tired right now, but I don't want to goto sleep until after 11pm, because I don't want to screw up my rhythm. I just feel so tired.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

welcome to week 2 (a couple of days late)

So we're now into the second week of this 90-day phase, and there is no good news about the preceding 9 days. I only exercised once, and I'm pretty sure that none of the days was I even close to eating correctly. So that is not the best way to start off, but it is done. What happens now is that I make sure that I go food shopping this weekend, so that when I am hungry, I have healthy choices to choose from, rather than the crap I've been eating.

I have been working on cleaning up my iTunes music for a while now. I'm still not done, as the switch from PC to Mac has been a long one. Soon I hope I'll be finished, because I miss having all of my music. Especially when I go walking or goto work, so in other words, every day.

Other than that, it's a scattered thunderstorms day, which means that I may encounter rain and such on my walk in a little while. I guess that should be fun. Of course, if it rains beforehand, I may just bitch out and not go walking. I've been kinda lazy like that lately.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

still alive and breathing.

i lost my new headphones, the ones i listen to at work. so that sucks. i am cranky and tired but not ready for bed, so that sucks. i want to post, but not to type, so that sucks.

thanks to all for the support. love you guys!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

a brief respite today

today actually went kinda well. i went to sleep rather early last night (early in comparison) and so i woke up this morning with the alarm, and was at work at 830. that hasn't happened in a while. I woke up in a fairly decent mood, of which was shattered once i got to work, but that's to be expected at this point. Work wasn't too bad though, and I cut out of there early, around 3pm, and took the rest of the day to myself.

If you look to your left, you'll notice the numbers have changed again. this week i lost 4 pounds. last week i gained 2 pounds. wtf? it's getting weird, because the numbers are starting to bounce around. and i don't feel like i lost anything at all. i feel very subconscious about how i look these days, and no matter what the scale says each week, i'm not buying it. also, i've been having some pretty severe mood swings. which if i were to look at this paragraph, i might think it's a teenaged girl going through pms, but really, i'm a 29 year old guy who's just plain crazy. so yeah, things here are great.

i have a couple of posts that i have been thinking about writing for quite a while, but i've haven't been in the mood to write them lately. so maybe sometime soon if i get to feeling verbose, i will get out a good post full of thoughts and stuff.

maybe not.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

affirmations? i got your affirmations right here

i will never be whole
i will never be happy
i will always be depressed
no matter how good things may be at this moment, i will always come back to depression
i will never get out of this black hole
i have a future to look forward to that consists of depression and loss
this sucks

Monday, June 7, 2010

depression continued

so I won't be working tomorrow. I called Mo and took the day off, as I have two VA apointments tomorrow. Hopefully, they'll help. So I haven't been exercising with any regularity in a long time. Today would have been a great day to go out for a walk or a run, but alas, here I am, in my room, depressed and drinking a chocolate shake. So, yeah, things around here really fucking suck.

Things are not good.

I'm in a pretty bad spot these days. I am really depressed, and it's such a debilitating thing right now that I have no interest in anything, and am not actively doing anything to help myself. I slept all weekend, and have been really tired and fatigued lately. I feel crappy and dead tired at work, but then I get home, and stay up until all hours of the morning. Then I wake up late, and go to work, where I feel like crap all day. I guess the good thing is I'm still going to work, but lately I've been in such a bad mood and all, that I've seriously contemplated quitting, or fighting customers or managers. This ain't good.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

90-day program, part two: Day 1: Exercise - CHECK!

So, I went walking tonight for almost an hour and a half, about 5 and a half miles. It was good, and tiring, and I am going to go eat, and then shower, and then hopefully get some sleep.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

holiday weekend recap and stuff

i spent the holiday weekend up in Bridgewater, Massachusetts, with my good friends Charlie and Liz. It was great to see them, it had been quite a while, about a year, so it was great to get back up there and catch up. I took a bus up there, which was nice because it was cheap, no stress, and convenient. I got to see a lot of people there that I had not seen in quite a while which was really great. I spent a while talking with Rachel, who I hadn't seen in a couple of years, so it was great to catch up and hang out. I was told, more than once, that I 'look great' and 'look like I am happy', which really was nice to hear. I am a lot happier these days, and it's nice to hear people say that they can see that, especially people who have known me for a while, and have seen me through my ups and downs. Overall it was a great weekend!
I did take the time to spend some time alone and reflect on the true meaning of Memorial Day. I thought about my best friend, Corporal David "Bear" Stewart, who didn't make it home from Iraq. I thought about others who didn't make it, and those still serving there and elsewhere. I am privileged to have served alongside such honorable and noble Marines, and I make sure to remember that every day of my life. I miss Stew and those guys, every day. But I am thankful that I was able to know them for the time that I did, and I will never, ever forget them.