Tuesday, June 22, 2010

days like today scare me.

i have yet to get out of bed and I called off of work today because I really didn't feel like doing anything. I had a thought earlier "what if I'm just not ready to do this again?" What if I have just been getting by these last few months, and it's now time for the truth - and that truth may be that I cannot do this. What happens then? What do I do? I have very little capacity for self-motivation. I used to have huge self-motivation, but now, I can hardly motivate myself to do anything.

I really have no goals lately either. I mean, sure I would love to continue to lose weight, but I really don't have any firm goals anymore. Even this last goal, on the right, "6 pounds to go" has been there for quite some time, and I really don't care that much about it. I would like to make money, but that's just a desire. I don't have a goal as to how much or whatever. And as far as going to Israel, well, I'm going, but there's not a definitive idea in mind that "I want this to happen." So the lack of self-motivation is deep enough to get in the way of actually setting goals for myself.

I just re-read the last line and I think it's safe to substitute "lack of self-motivation" for depression, wouldn't you say?

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