Wednesday, June 16, 2010

without the dark,

we wouldn't appreciate the light. Or so the saying goes. So, after yesterday's good day, today absolutely sucked. It started out with me getting freaked out when my dad tried to catch my attention as i was driving away. my dad has a real loud yell, and it screwed me up. I have a hard time with people yelling around me. If someone yells suddenly, and loudly, it equates in my head to someone being hurt or killed or dying, etc. So it wasn't a good thing. I was agitated when I got to work, because the workload for the day tripled right after I got there, so what I thought would be a good-paced day suddenly blew up into a no-way-in-hell-am-i-gonna-get-this-shit-done kind of day. Plus, I was worried about my dad, who had to go see a doc for an ailment he's been having. I worry about him, because he is not proactive in his health, and prefers to wait for something to be a big deal before he gets it taken care of. The way my mind thinks and operates, I automatically assume the worst, and worry that he'll put off getting seen by a doctor because "oh, I'm okay" and then it'll turn out its something huge and now he's really sick. It boils down to this really: I love my dad, and I am terrified that he will get sick and die. I am not ready for that, and I'm scared shitless every time he is sick. I don't know what I would do without him. There's no way I would be here today without his help and love and support since I came back from Iraq, and I need him to be here longer.

Anyway, so my day wasn't great. I ended up with a panic attack at work, and so I left, and didn't make much money, I feel like absolute crap now, both physically and mentally, and I don't know how much more I can take right now.

Hope your day was better.

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