Thursday, July 22, 2010

adjustments

I was late to work this morning. I went to sleep last night early. TV was off at 1015 and I was asleep sometime after that. I woke up at 130 to use the head, because I was well hydrated. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 330. Then my alarm went off, and for some unknown reason, I turned it off and got back into bed. I woke up later when my dad called at 655 to apologize for not calling me earlier to wake me up. It wasn't his fault, and in fact, it was good that he called, because I was able to rush out of the house, and was only 15 minutes late to work. I don't think I'll be fired, even though it was a thought running through my mind. This morning was very bad for me mentally. After taking the correct prepatory steps to make sure I did well today - ie. drinking plenty of water so I was hydrated, making sure that my lunch was prepared and all, going to bed early - all of those steps went out the window when I got up and to work late. So I spent the majority of the morning silently suffering in my head.

When I get into a "funk," depression, bad mood, whatever you want to call it, I tend to curl up into a ball inside my mind, where my only thoughts are how I am a fuck-up and other not so nice demoralizing thoughts. And if I am not interacting with anyone verbally, I tend to get stuck in my mind, in a broken-record type chorus of how worthless and no-good I am, and well, I was in a pretty bad spot this morning mentally. However, I did start to get to know some of my co-workers who are also veterans, and talking about similar stuff, and realizing that noone really likes this job at first, and the physicality of it takes at least a week to get used to made me realize that I was not alone in my struggles.

Just that knowledge that what I'm going through is normal is a huge relief, a tangible connection to the real-world in which I am not as "crazy" or "worthless" as I may think at times. So, it was a good lift to the mind, and then the work we were doing changed, and I was able to be more involved and use some of my intelligence, which made me feel more important and needed, which also was a boost. After that, time pretty much flew by, and before I knew it, the day was over.

So here we are on a Thursday night, and tomorrow is the last day of my first week at this new job. Man, I thought about quitting all morning, and all morning Tuesday, and all day Monday. But right now, I'm happy I got through the day, and am working towards making it to work on time tomorrow and having a good day then as well.

Have a good night folks.

1 comment:

sillydaisy13 said...

sometimes Dan you have to tell those awful voice in your head to SHUT THE F*&K UP!! I know I have to do it frequently!!! Don't over analyze things it doesn't help any!! Chin up your doing great!!! And for what its worth I don't think your worthless or good for nothing:) *Hugs* tomorrow is going to be better!