Saturday, July 10, 2010

I am terrified

I am terrified of losing my father. I am planning a trip abroad, and I have been going over flights and stuff. I wanted to go and talk to him about it, but, it being 430 in the morning, he was sleeping. I have PTSD and my mind seems to stay in the worst places, and I wondered as I often do, what I would do if my dad died. I should say when, but somehow if feels better. I can't stand the thought of him not being here. We don't talk about a lot of stuff together, I guess because I'm quite difficult to talk to. And I'm not the best at opening up with him. I want to work on that though. I don't want to think about what will happen if he dies, but I want to make sure that I tell him the things I feel about him and how much he means to me. I want him to know that no matter how much we may fight or I may get angry at him, I still love him so much and I hate that I hurt him. I called him a couple of nights ago when he was at work, and told him this, and we cried on the phone. I'm crying now typing this. I just wish I could be happy for him and be happy with him. With everything we've gone through, I just wish we could have some happiness with each other.

I love you Daddy.

1 comment:

Larry (Dad) said...

Dan,

There are no words to console you. I love you more than the air that I breathe… as my child I would do anything for you, you know that. Even still I have my limitations.

While I do not care for myself as well as you’d like me to, I take some care. I’m not going anywhere.. i.e. dying. So please stop worrying about that. It is something that none of us can control and all of us will eventually die.

After your mom passed, as neglectful of you as I was when you were so young, leads me to believe and I know you could make it on your own again even if I was not around… some day I won’t be around… but you’ll be fine… you can do anything you put your mind to… I love you and I KNOW you love me… as it should be with father and son…

In the meantime, we should be happy together. You should enjoy your trip to Israel without worries… I’ll drop you at the airport to see you off and I’ll be there to pick you up when you come home… not to worry.

As far a talking is concerned. You know since you’ve been home from Iraq, I have always dropped whatever I was doing to talk with you or go somewhere with you or build something together…I really like that… but we’ll talk when you’re ready to talk. k?

I am so proud of you and how far you’ve come, never give up… never give in… adapt and overcome. Semper Fi my son.

Love, Dad 