Sunday, August 22, 2010

Two Hundred and Fiftieth Post!

This is the 250th post of my blog! That's cool, however, looking at recent posts, it is clear that I have not been posting all that often lately. I have been rather lax in most areas of my weight loss. I am still at my plateau, with no change in sight. Six weeks from today, I get on a plane to Israel. So it would behoove me to get in gear now if I want any sort of boost before then.

I went food shopping today, which is just about all I did. I did do a load of laundry, and clean my room a little, but other than that, not really a lot of things got done today.

It's raining and windy out right now, and I am contemplating sleep early. I have been using my CPAP machine, and I have yet to get used to it. So my sleep is definitely not where I want it to be.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

blah.

So the weekend is almost over. I am tired and cranky and overall not really all that pleasant to be around. And I don't know why. Anyway, goodnight all.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

dammit

so, i was at the va this morning, and talking about how well i'm doing and my job is going, and how it's great to be working and being dependable again. so then i go to my job, only to get sent home early and told not to come in until monday, because my dumb ass wasn't working and was being lazy.

previously i believed that these things happened because i was too "happy" and the world used that opportune time to kick me in the teeth back into reality. i no longer believe this. i believe that after talking to people lately about how well i am doing, i may have gotten a little complacent today, and in so doing, screwed myself. i have noone but me to blame. so now it's a matter of taking the weekend to get my head back in the game, and coming in monday morning and proving myself all over again.

things could be worse. i could have been fired on the spot. but instead, i was sent home and given a 3-day weekend. i don't say this glibly, as to make fun of it implying that i was rewarded with a long weekend for not working. the simple equation is i lose out on working a day, so next week's paycheck will be a little lighter, and hopefully i learn (again) to not get too comfortable, because, as has happened often enough, no matter how good things are, something can always happen to screw it up.

dammit.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

long five days

welcome to a new week. sorry it was so long since my last post. the weekend was a rollercoaster, including a trip to connecticut to sit shiva for my aunt's mom on sunday. half day at work monday to rest, and today was great. went on a cruise around manhattan saturday night with my dad and his fire department. it was fantastic, a great way to spend time with him.

thursday i get my cpap machine, and am looking forward to seeing how much my sleep improves. i weighed in today, with no change, so basically, i am at a plateau. which means that i have to change my rhythm - so i exercised tonight, and plan on exercising tomorrow. just tomorrow - no pressure to say "for the rest of the week" tomorrow i will exercise, so that's the only thing. the rest of the days can go away.

i haven't purchased my israel ticket yet, so i may do that tonight. i was waiting for an email from a travel agent, but have yet to get it. so i may just jump on board and get this done.

today i was productive and cleaned my room, bought a new pair of work pants, and was basically an all-around functioning human. which is a win in my book.

hope yall are enjoying the beautiful (hot, humid) weather we're having!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

displaced emotions

For those of you that don't know me personally, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I also have Major Depressive Disorder (among other things). I have been getting treatment for these conditions for the last five years.

One of the things that I have observed (and have had other people going through treatment with me agree) is that once I have realized some of my actions, it was very easy to see these actions in other people. It's the "mirror" effect. It's easy as hell for me to see certain behaviors in other people now and realize that I did the same thing.

The reason I'm rambling about this is I witnessed tonight something I term "misplaced emotions." In my experience (and that's all this is - my experience - I am not a doctor or medical professional and you shouldn't take my ramblings as gospel) the most common misplaced emotion is anger. That is, what began as something else - grief, guilt, shame, terror - manifested itself as anger, which I then unleashed on the people around me. Which was usually my family.

I'm not proud of the things I did nor the way I acted when I returned from Iraq. I realized tonight I can never take back the things that I did. But I am proud of the work I have done, and continue to do with the help of the VA.

Anyway, in my opinion tonight, what I witnessed was misplaced emotions, like I had, before I was aware of what was eating at me. I have full hope that at some point, these people will attempt to seek help, if for their own peace of mind and nothing else. And when that day comes, I will do whatever I can do to help them.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

it's a new week.

So I gained two pounds this week. As I noted in the previous post, I'm not too surprised about it. But, today we start anew, and here's to a good week!

Monday, August 2, 2010

coconuts on your pitiful city

I'm still alive and kicking... Tomorrow I am not eagerly anticipating the weigh-in. I was kinda depressed/down and so I sought comfort in the arms of Friday's Jack Daniel's ribs. more than once. So oh well, we'll see what happens.

In news that you really don't care about, I bought a new watch. It's an everyday watch. A Timex Expedition. Same model I have been buying since getting my first one when I graduated boot camp at Parris Island. 8 years and 4 watches. They take a beating. But I like it. So thanks for stopping by.