Wednesday, September 29, 2010

i'm screwed

I am sick. Mentally sick. I can play it off now for a while at a time. I can make it seem as though I am recovering and growing and getting better. But it's all a lie. Days like today make me realize this. When I am so pissed off and angry and sad and hateful and hurtful and hurt and screwed up all at once, it's when I know that I am sick. I need to get away from the environment I am in. It is a destructive environment, and it's bad for me. But I also know that no matter what environment I'm in, I will still be as sick.

I'm terrified that I will go on this trip and realize that no matter how long I've been back, no matter the treatment I've gone through, the progress I've made, I will still fail and I will still be depressed and I will still destroy myself in some way. I mean shit, looking at my track record, I think it's naïve to believe otherwise.

Yep, I'm screwed.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

something is wrong with me.

I am in a very screwed-up emotional state right now. And I do not know why. I have slept on and off all day, which I am sure hasn't helped, plus I didn't go to work today either.

Plus, I drank some over the weekend in addition to my trip up to Massachusetts, so I'm thinking my body is shot both physically and mentally. So it might be time to concede that I am no longer a young man, and need to take care of myself more than I normally do. Also am wondering how much this mood I am in is an afteraffect of alcohol. I don't know. Anyway, work tomorrow, then music therapy, then PTSD meeting. So tomorrow is a packed day. Going to attempt to get good sleep tonight. How, I don't really know, but gonna try anyway.

I am worried that this mood will continue into the weekend, as I fly out on Sunday, and that's gonna make the start of this trip shitty.

Who am I kidding? I am so down right now that I have doubts about whether I should even go on this trip, let alone, do anything else.

Man I am FUCKED UP.

Blah

Feeling pretty tired and demotivated today. I didn't go to work today, so my last day is tomorrow. I need to get into doing something so that I can beat this depression away. But for the moment, I am returning to the arms of slumber.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Travelling across the northeast via public transportation

So I left Medford last night and took an 1113 pm train from Ronkonkoma to Penn Station, where I took a 2am bus to Boston South Station, and I am now on a commuter rail to Campello (which is somewhere in Massachusetts) where I will be hanging out here for the weekend. The greyhound bus and the commuter rail have wifi so thus the blog post from a moving train...

Hope y'all are enjoying the day so far.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

dammit

I've not been around in quite a while. My apologies. I have been lazy. I could blame it on working, or some other excuse, but the real truth is I've been lazy. I have not been posting, I have not been logging food, and I have not been adhering to the plan.

However, my body has decided that my current weight is good, and so even without exercise and food logging, I have stayed in the 238-240 area for many weeks now.

Lately (as in the last couple of days) I have been out-of-control eating again, the type not seen since I started this program last December. I don't really know what the reason is, and I am upset at this new trend. So I am now cognizant of it, and hopefully will take appropriate action to fix it.

Anyway, I'm still here. Thanks for staying with me.