Wednesday, September 29, 2010

i'm screwed

I am sick. Mentally sick. I can play it off now for a while at a time. I can make it seem as though I am recovering and growing and getting better. But it's all a lie. Days like today make me realize this. When I am so pissed off and angry and sad and hateful and hurtful and hurt and screwed up all at once, it's when I know that I am sick. I need to get away from the environment I am in. It is a destructive environment, and it's bad for me. But I also know that no matter what environment I'm in, I will still be as sick.

I'm terrified that I will go on this trip and realize that no matter how long I've been back, no matter the treatment I've gone through, the progress I've made, I will still fail and I will still be depressed and I will still destroy myself in some way. I mean shit, looking at my track record, I think it's naïve to believe otherwise.

Yep, I'm screwed.

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