Friday, October 29, 2010

Solitary

I had a very different adolescence than the crap o see on tv. (there is a one tree hill marathon on one of the Israeli tv channels and so the idea behind this post.)

I was quite often alone during my adolescence. My best friend from elementary school became quite a bigot and though I took the racism silently I never really felt all that comfortable hanging out with him. I lacked a true best friend, one you could talk to about anything. So I began to slowly crawl into a protective shell in order to make it difficult for things to hurt me. And it continues onto today. Except the shell is so thick for defense now plus it has spikes stocking out for offense that it is near impossible for me to interact socially. The shell is defensive - shielding me from harm - and offensive - turning people away without intent - that I simply don't know what I can do about it.

And just so it's clear that I am not blaming my situation on a former best friend from adolescence it shod never be discounted the damage done by the death of my mom when I was ten. There's a study somewhere that links an adult's anxiety to how they were protected and nurtured by their mother during their formative years. Well I sure missed out on the wisdom my mom could have imparted on me, and it affects me every day in many ways.

I miss her so much.

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