Friday, December 31, 2010

in my head

i woke up today and i am pretty screwed up mentally. i have to take care of some logistics for my family to come here and it's not going well. i am so tired of being here in the apartment that i want to go home. except that i know i will feel the same way at home. i'm tired and unmotivated and just have no desire to do anything. i missed a few nights of my medication, so i know that that has something to do with this, but it's not an easy quick fix.

i hate feeling this way. it's simply not fair.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

noone can understand.

I just get so angry. I hear people refer to other people's trauma and experiences. I hear a friend of mine, someone I consider a good friend, and I hear them try to rationalize making someone relive something so traumatic, something that is so alien to themselves and their existence, and argue that someone should relive that for someone else's benefit, and it infuriates me. It bothers me to no fucking end. I want to get physically violent, to literally change the world that they live in, to traumatize them in just a tiny way, to change the perspective and let them see how absolutely selfish it is to think that anyone other than the traumatized should have ownership of the event.

FUCK i hate people. figure it out. other people's trauma isn't something to decide is yours. Respect it.

FUCK.

Friday, December 24, 2010

More Wadi Perazim


More pics of Wadi Perazim, Israel

Really enjoying my new camera!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Wadi Perazim, Israel

Perazim Wadi, Israel - December 20, 2010
Click image for larger size...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Social. A continuing commentary.

I am absolutely stupid when it comes to social situations. It may be the lack of being in situations like these for five years or t may be something else, but I absolutely have no confidence in my self socially, and especially with women. I feel like I missed that phase of adolescence, where everyone else learned the "rules" of the game and what to do, say or act, etc. I have such a crushing self-doubt and self-loathing that even when things are good I am freaking out. I constantly question my actions and ridicule myself in my own mind. I always feel that people are making fun of me and talking about me and that I don't fit in. I try to put on this facade of aloofness, as if I don't care what people think of me, but the cold truth is, I yearn for acceptance and when I don't get it I feel like a failure and a fool. The failure because I cannot participate in one of the simplest yet most necessary things in life - social interaction. And a fool because I hate myself for letting another person's attention/attraction rule my head.

I have no idea what I should or can do.

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Politics and bad thoughts

While sitting around working today the subject of politics and the Iraq war came up. I neglected to add my opinions out loud. The girl who had no trouble sharing her opinions in a girl who I have a general dislike for to begin with, so of course hearing her views on a subject which is sensitive to me was certainly not a good thing.

I don't know whether or not me internalizing this is better than me unloading my venom on people who may or may not deserve it, but this is what it is right now.



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Sarel volunteering: welcome to the Israeli Defence Force

Today was our first day of Sarel. We'll be volunteering with the Israeli Army for the week. It's nothing too exciting, basically we're a big working party. But I absolutely had a blast today.

Immediately I began remembering things about Marine Corps life. The base I'm on reminds me of Al Quaim along the Syrian border with Iraq. Complete with moon dust and sand everywhere. I realized how much of this I missed. I also realized that if I reenlisted in the Marines, I wouldn't be at a base like this. I would be in North Carolina or California. I'm pretty sure I don't want that. But I have to be honest I am entertaining the idea of the IDF for the moment.

Now relax everyone. I am not joining up or anything. But I may make some inquiries and find some information. It's always good to have as much information as possible.

On an "I'm stupid" note: I cut my thumb pretty good today. I was cutting twine and moving too fast so instead of the scissors cutting the twine, they cut my thumb a bit. Oh well, it'll grow back.

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Bedouins


So we're out visiting the Al Atrash tribe of Bedouins somewhere in the desert. I'm tired and have had some massive sinus headaches lately which are causing me to be more irritable than usual. We'll see how tonight goes.

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