Thursday, December 16, 2010

Social. A continuing commentary.

I am absolutely stupid when it comes to social situations. It may be the lack of being in situations like these for five years or t may be something else, but I absolutely have no confidence in my self socially, and especially with women. I feel like I missed that phase of adolescence, where everyone else learned the "rules" of the game and what to do, say or act, etc. I have such a crushing self-doubt and self-loathing that even when things are good I am freaking out. I constantly question my actions and ridicule myself in my own mind. I always feel that people are making fun of me and talking about me and that I don't fit in. I try to put on this facade of aloofness, as if I don't care what people think of me, but the cold truth is, I yearn for acceptance and when I don't get it I feel like a failure and a fool. The failure because I cannot participate in one of the simplest yet most necessary things in life - social interaction. And a fool because I hate myself for letting another person's attention/attraction rule my head.

I have no idea what I should or can do.

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