Monday, January 31, 2011

green is not a good color on me

i've posted about jealousy before, and i'm currently dealing with some (with everything else that's also going on). it's envious when i hear people who meet people so easily and make new friends and go out with people, like it's no big deal. not only is it something i envy, i may (i'm still wrapping my mind around this, so i don't know for sure) also look down on the relationship side of things. i also blogged about the difference in meeting someone and hooking up right away, and my previous history. it may be because when i go on a date, it is actually a big deal to me. so is when i take the step and something happens physically with a girl. so maybe the combination of those two is why i look down upon (and of course are jealous of) the seemingly flippant and fickle actions of people around me. in my most cynical and dejected sense, i see these boys and girls as easy. not quite slutty perhaps, but easy. i don't like that. i don't know why. i'm trying to enunciate this, and i don't know. i'm not really a prude, but i am less attracted to girls that hook up with random guys often. i don't know, i've never been that type of guy. so i don't know what i'm really writing here, but i do know this: i'm jealous of those guys, because they're with those girls. i'm incredibly lonely and that sucks. and i'm really trying to get through this panic attack/depressive episode/crisis as fast as i can. we'll see.

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