Thursday, January 27, 2011

of sociality

to coin a new word, i'll use sociality.

i'm 29 years old. i'll be thirty in a couple of weeks. i have not been in a real relationship since before I joined the Marine Corps, back when I was 20.  So, it's an accurate description to say that it has been quite a while since then. I'm also a totally different person since then. As well, the social scene is quite a different environment since then.

I never really went to bars and picked up girls. I never really had "game" in that sense. I also never really operated like that. I figure that it's better to meet and get to know a girl whilst sober and then begin something rather than a drunken Friday night at a club or bar. But as far as I can see, that is the norm now. And I don't know how that works, I don't know what to do, and I really don't know if that's what I want to do.

Here's the situation: I think I'm ready for some sort of relationship with a girl. I certainly want it, without a doubt. But I'm not, and never really have been, the 'random hook-up' type of guy. So I don't know where that leaves me. I am gaining confidence in social situations, but have no idea how to express that I like a girl.

I am interested in a girl or two, but I have no idea where to go with it. Getting drunk and hooking up isn't what I want, and certainly isn't the building block I'm looking for as a start. But that seems the way to go about it. So what the fuck?

And before I get any "well, you're a great guy and girls who are worth it will understand that and like you for it," that doesn't friggin' help. I am lonely and impatient and want things now. This sucks. And before I let this post derail into an "I'm so lonely/everything sucks" rant, I want to be serious and state I really don't know where this leaves me. I am so far removed from anything resembling a social relationship with a girl right now that I honestly can't see anything happening. I seriously think that I might as well just do the drunk random hook up like everyone else, because at least that way, I am participating in social life in some stupid way.

I am at an impasse. I've been here for a while, but I think now, I've recovered enough socially and mentally, that something has to give for new growth and the possibility of relationships and companionship.

1 comment:

Adam Boggs said...

Hampster its good to see your doing good. Im glad I found your blog and Im surprised to see your in Israel. I hadnt talked to you in a while so I tryed calling..no cigar. Anyway hit me up when you get CONUS. Your Driver/Spotter Boggsy. Semper Fi.