Thursday, February 10, 2011

my reality

I've realized that while i tell people that i am just getting back to being involved socially, after my recovery from PTSD and TBI, the actual reality of it is not clear.

i returned home to the US in October 2005. I left the US to go on this trip in October 2010. That's five years. Five years of being so removed from life that it's hard for me to understand sometimes. I had a girlfriend for about two weeks, two different times. I went to a handful of parties. I made no new friends, and stopped communicating with most of my old friends. I spent more than three months as an inpatient in the VA hospital twice.

These facts mirror the fact that I was broken and unable to function. I was unable to be social, to talk to people, to get along in situations outside of my house. I literally had dropped off the face of the planet. I looked normal, save for gaining a huge amount of weight. But I was anyone but me.

So these things that I am going through, are absolutely foreign to me. I cannot even compare them to what I went through pre-Iraq.  This girl that I was/am/could be/who the hell knows interested in, was in reality the first girl i was really interested in in many years. The previous girl, written about two months ago, I was interested in for different less serious reasons. (Boy could that sound less ominous or what?) Anyway, I had no idea what my mind was telling me. I really still don't.

The issue for me now is to continue to get to know her and be friends and hang out without me making things awkward. Because I kinda think I'm already making it awkward.

Oh well, it's an experience. It may be difficult to go through, but it will help me in my recovery, and my ability to continue being social and making friends.

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