i am pretty certain that i've made it clear here, and of course, in my head, that i am not the type of guy that executes random hookups. that being said, there is still a boat load of jealousy that i harbor towards guys who do, and the girls whom they hook up with.
as i continue to wade into social life, and navigate the waters, i am overwhelmingly aware that i have no idea in which to act toward a girl whom i might have a physical attraction to. i mean, sure, i could just act like any other guy, but deep down, i know that is really not what i want, nor who i am. so instead, i do nothing, and feel jealous of others who do.
this of course, is said with the assumption that a girl wants me. of course, my cynical, sarcastic self says 'fuck no, that's impossible.' but maybe i'm wrong.
anyway, i'm in the same place i've been for a while. just don't know what to do. i guess deep down, the whole "bad decision" tuesday/february/birthday etc. is my excuse to do things i wouldn't normally do, but i really haven't. so i'm nowhere.
also, apparently some people do read this blog. congratulations for them. i have not, do not, and will not use this blog as a means to be pissed about an individual, nor talk shit about them. i also don't use this blog as anything toward anyone around me. this blog has been, and will continue to be, a means for me to continue my recovery. if this is funny or humorous to anyone, congratulations. i'm glad you find humor in it. may you never have to walk in my shoes. if you decide that this is fuel for jokes, go for it. i hope it empowers you and makes you feel better than me.
in the end, i will continue to get better. whether you are with me or not, is solely up to you.
originally written 26 feb 0325