Wednesday, February 2, 2011

of imbibing alcohol and long nights

last night was a bad night overall. there are long stretches in which i do not remember anything. i definitely let myself get away from anything resembling responsibility. i apparently got into a heated discussion with someone about the things posted on this blog. she knows who she is, and i don't have the mental energy nor the recall necessary to write about it now. suffice to say i am not pleased with my actions. i got into a cab and came home, but i don't know when or with who or how i paid for it. i really have a bad feeling from last night and it reminds me of nights in which i would get that drunk by myself.

i guess it is a step up that i was in the company of friends last night and didn't do anything stupid, but really, i don't know if i said anything stupid to other people. this is embarassing and i think the Bad Decision idea has now become something that truly is bad for me.

on the one hand, i'm not doing anything anyone else isn't doing. all four of the people i've spoken to so far have told me that last night was a blur for them as well, so why should i feel bad about my actions? of course, if everyone jumped off the brooklyn bridge ... also, why shouldn't i have a good time with my friends and people my own age? it's been too long since i have been in a position with good friends and the ability to party hard.

on the other hand, this isn't the first time i've gotten drunk lately. it's not even the 5th time. i've been drunk way too often. it started with the new group of people coming in, and i got to know everyone and we were all drinking. and then it has now morphed into a constant thing.

i was an episodic alcohol abuser. but that doesn't make me safe from becoming a full blown alcoholic. i know this. i know that this actually makes it easier for me to become an alcoholic. i kinda threw out all real responsibility and good decision-making the last week or so. hell, i've been calling tuesday nights at pigal 'Bad Decision Tuesday™' for a while now. then we all went out last thursday, so that was a new bad decision night, and i was drunk over the weekend. the going joke now is it's 'Bad Decision February™' because it's our last month here in israel. so it's been 'cool' and accepted to make bad decisions.

i am so depressed and disappointed in myself and my actions and this has to stop. but i am almost certain that i won't stop because i want to be around everyone and enjoy my ability to be part of a group of people who want me to be there.

it's amazing how fucked up i am.

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