Wednesday, February 9, 2011

optimism.

i am not an eternal optimist.

but i have my moments.

this is not a revelation for me, and certainly isn't for anyone who knows me. but as i was told this tonight, i was forced to reflect on this. the truth is, i am absolutely more pessimistic than optimistic, in the final calculation these days. but the numbers are much closer now than at any time in the past couple of years. and that in and of itself is a reason to be optimistic.

as i continue to journey into life each day, i encounter situations that are difficult. situations in which i don't get the things i want, or feel the way i want. situations where i don't know what i want or what i feel. situations that i don't really like to endure, but know that my personal growth would be stunted without enduring. i constantly choose to continue into the muddy water of life, even though i know how easy it would be to slog back to shore and watch the waves crash and the waters move and not participate. i've spent my time on the shores of life, and it's now my time to be in the water, swimming. even though there are rough currents, and sharp rocks in some places, i'm in it.

somewhere along the way i decided it was ok to stay away from life, because staying away meant not getting hurt. somewhere i lost the impetus to live and grow and feel. i realize now that i am not that person anymore. i am growing, and changing, and transforming myself every day. it is not a fast process. i have a lot of things i am dealing with, and they are not simple. but i am here. and i am dealing.

i am optimistic.

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