Sunday, February 20, 2011

real reason i'm angry

i think that i've come to the underlying cause of my anger tonight. it wasn't a simple problem of being woken up or by people being loud and obnoxious.
there's a girl in our program who "went missing." she left and noone heard from her. she's been heard from now, after almost five days, and she's fine. apparently she "ran away." and i've had to hear all the people around me conjecture about why she did it, what she was thinking, how stupid she is, etc. i heard it characterized as "there's no reason to do that." "she's crazy. why was she even on this trip at all?" "if there was something wrong, she should have said something." all of these statements and questions are so ignorant, i don't know if i can actually get through the layer of bullshit and stupidity to get my point across.
now, i don't know this girl that well. what i have are my assumptions and conjecture. i have my experience and thoughts. i think she was/is depressed or in some other mental state which is stressful. having been depressed for so long, and with my panic and anxiety, there are absolutely days in which i have thought about running away. i am going to be thirty tomorrow, and mental issues and stress have no chronological barrier. it doesn't just get easier because your body is now another calendar year older.
as to rationalizations like "it's stupid because she's gonna have to pay all this money" or "she loses her MASA grant" - they're fucking worthless. if you are that stressed and fucked up mentally, like I have been, in that moment I could care not one fucking bit about money or repercussions or logic. there's no logic in emotional distress.
in terms of stupidity or intelligence, mental and emotional distress happens to the most intelligent and the least intelligent of us all. the idea that undergoing this type of stress make you "stupid" is more than a little problem. it makes the person who is in distress not want to tell anyone about it, and it allows those who aren't to marginalize the distress in a veil of "stupidity." the same goes for the statement that mental distress is a weakness. Depression and mental distress is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long.
if everyone would shut the fuck up about why this girl left, and whether it was right or wrong, and maybe think about how we can all work together as a group to take care of each other, maybe this kind of shit wouldn't fucking happen.
i have lost friends due to depression and stress and PTSD so bad that the only way to "run away" was suicide. the fact that not one of the people here have asked a fundamental question: "could i have helped?" saddens me. i worry about what would happen if i ran away. would i be talked about like this? would people think i'm crazy? weak? stupid?

1 comment:

David Amster said...

Hi Dan,
In my humble opinion, you are perfectly right to be upset about the things people are saying instead of what you feel they should be saying and doing with each other as a group. Be nice to be in charge and get them to be more understanding, but most people are not "more understanding" The only thing I might suggest is to try to get one at a time to understand your comments as they are done so well, and from a position of experience.
Uncle David
PS If you ever want to run away, come here and we'll talk at all hours of the night !
Love you and again, Happy Birthday. We hope to see you during the weekend of March 11-13 when Aunt Mari does the Music Man show at the Temple.