i've realized the whole catastrophe that occurred this weekend was me. i mean, don't get me wrong, i knew i made the horrendous mistake i made soon after i made it. but the issue comes down to not what i write about, but who.
this is supposed to be a tool to help me recover. and i have forgotten a few things recently about my recovery. first off, it is MY recovery. so i have to be in charge and responsible for the things that I do. I have to monitor the reactions and actions that I take. the feelings and emotions I have. I cannot read others minds. I cannot predict others actions.
I have to own the fact that I expected something to happen and when it didn't i acted like the verbally abusive shithead i used to be. i should have recognized that my expectations were not realistic in light of things i did or did not say or do. i should have recognized that while disappointed and hurt, none of these feelings i had were given to me by someone maliciously. noone meant to hurt me.
there's a post quite similar to this a couple of months back. i'm too lazy to find it now. its somewhere around december or january. but in a similar circumstance, i didn't express my feelings and had unrealistic expectations, and when reality actually happened, i was quite the fool. obviously i have yet to learn this lesson.
but i hope to. there's lyrics to a song that i have been listening to a lot lately. it's appropriate