Thursday, April 14, 2011

more randomness from golan

Anytime I have these issues with girls I feel like a young teenager. I feel like writing it down shows me to be an utterly inexperienced man in the area of relationships. And I feel that when I write it here it changes the tenor of the writing from a 30 year old combat veteran with PTSD and TBI to the ramblings of a high school girl. This is no good.

I don't like taking Xanax. I feel so sluggish and out of it. But lately if I don't take it I'm so irritable and angry and on edge. I think I'm fucked up pretty badly.  

Sociality. Lack thereof. Being a good guy who people respect and like. Or being a guy that girls want. It is not difficult to figure out I am not the second description. 

At times like these in my recovery I feel so worthless but somewhere deep down is a voice that says that working on me is more important than liking a girl who may or may not be worth it. (on a side note, for both of these girls I have been interested in, female friends of mine whose opinions I seek and respect and admire have all told me similar things about each girl as it was occurring. That is, "this girl is not worth it." Either I deserve better or she doesn't deserve me.

While that may be a comfort, it doesn't make it nice or easy to change my feelings (whatever they are) towards them. So where does this leave me? 

It leaves me in a hole. It leaves me nowhere. I dont have a toolkit or coping mechanism for this aspect of my recovery. 

I don't know what to do. Plus I am now taking a shitload of Xanax per day as prescribed and that zombie feeling from years ago is returning in force. I must call my doctor and see about an adjustment in some godforsaken time in which he is available and I am awake what with the 7 hour difference.

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