Saturday, April 2, 2011

sigh no more

emotions. i have difficulties with them. my difficulties are exacerbated by my social insecurity so times like now, i have no idea what i feel, or why i feel it.

i don't know how to even write what i am thinking. i am so ignorant and inexperienced in the feeling of liking a girl, that when i do, i am pretty scatter-brained most of the time. i don't know what i should do. i don't know what i feel. i know that the simple admission of "i think i like this girl" is a huge step. last time i felt that way, things got pretty screwed up with the guy who was my best friend here. that's a whole nother story, but it was the same thought process at the time. do i like her? how much do i like her? what do i do? what don't i do? does she like me? should i call? now, that right there, that's the thoughts i had as a young kid, and i am amazed that at 30, i still have this insecurity and basic fear of not being with someone.

so the situation - i was going to write problem, but this really is a life experience, rather than problem - is this. i think i like a girl. but i really have no clue what emotion it entails. do i like her as a friend only? or is it more? and if i figured that out, i still would really have no clue what to do after that. it's an uncomfortable feeling, but as i reach back into my memory where i would do nothing but sleep all day and never leave my room, not interact or meet anyone, i'd much rather have this uncomfortable feeling. i'll get it figured out. i'll never get it perfect. i wouldn't want to. but i'm gonna get better with it.

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