Thursday, June 23, 2011

still truckin....

45 and a half hours worked out of a possible 72 so far this week.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

it feels good to work.

i've got a job, and worked my first day yesterday. actually, yesterday into this morning. it feels really good to have something to do, and some way to make money for school. and i have a nice feeling of accomplishment right now for the work i did. (as well as some sore muscles and tired feet.)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

i miss...

i miss being a Marine. i miss the pride i felt in uniform. the camaraderie with the guys. i miss the glorious, idealistic aspects of being a Marine.

i know that these are rose-colored memories. i know that i was definitely pissed off at quite a lot of the bullshit that goes on. but i enjoyed being a Marine overall, and have missed it for over 5 years now.


i'm not sure i can put into words the amount that i miss being in ashdod, israel. i miss the people, the places, the school, the kids, the whole aspect of it. but, trying to put a good face on it, i know i am better off here, getting the treatment i need and out of an environment that was not good for me.

but it doesn't make me not miss it. nor make me not miss the people. which is really what i miss.


i've never made sense of the september 11th attacks. for an event having such an impact on the direction of my life, i have not ever been able to look back and coherently dissect the impact it had on me.

i will never forget the morning i heard about it. but it seems i already have. i remember what i have told people. i remember being in hebrew class that morning and hearing a girl come in and saying a plane had hit the world trade center. i remember thinking that it wasn't that out of place, as historically, planes had hit the world trade center before. it was a tuesday morning. i usually wake up early on tuesday, but this tuesday i was running late. so there was no check of the morning news channels before class. but, like i said, there was nothing out-of-the-ordinary with the plane crashing into the world trade center. a moment later, another student came in and said a second plane crashed into the twin towers. now my attention was piqued, and the antennae were up. i immediately wondered if it was an attack. but, mind you - i was 20 years old, in ROTC, so my understanding of an "attack" was pure fantasy. but, as the day's events wore out, i understood it for what it was.

i don't know why i am writing this, at 420am on a wednesday morning. but something jogged my memory of the defining life-changing moment in my life, and so i wrote what came to mind.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

existential financial educational crisis alert.

so i've been without a job since i returned home from israel. i haven't been sleeping right and all that so that even if i did, it would be really difficult to do. but i digress. i have been sending out resumes left and right and applying everywhere i can. and i have no job. there are a little more than 7 weeks before i leave for albany. i have no money right now other than my disability and it's got me a bit stressed. more than a bit really.

speaking of albany, i had a degree audit done today and it looks like they'll accept 56 of my credits for transfer. which is - well, it really doesn't do much for me either way apparently. they all will count as electives, rather than fulfilling any major or minor requirements. which means, really, no matter what major i declare, i start from scratch. that is kinda freeing in the sense that i can decide whatever i want to study. but that is the problem i think. i cannot conceive of what i want to do with my life. when i was 18 and starting at tulane, the idea was graduate college and become a marine officer. it didn't matter if i majored in underwater basket weaving, the degree was necessary for the commission. well, 12 years later, i have no idea what i want to study, in regards to what i'd like to do with my life. i have no view of what i'd like my life to be after i graduate college. what i'd like to do, where i'd like to be. no idea. so how the hell can i declare a major right now?

the reason this is a problem now, rather than say, when i graduate, is because i need to make some sort of plan for graduating. it's a requirement before i register for the semester. it's a good idea. more so because i have only 36 months of gi bill to use. so i really cannot afford to dilly dally around and not have a plan.

on the other hand, maybe i am just letting all the financial stuff weigh me down right now. i mean, if i look at it a certain way, i only have one student loan, for  $3500, which represents 56 credits towards graduation. it's not that much, so taking another loan if i had to isn't too bad.

ah, fuck. i just don't know.

ps. if anyone is in the long island, ny area and is looking to hire someone who is decently intelligent, and mildly brain damaged, or just has extra money they want to give to me, let me know.

Monday, June 13, 2011

bad day

seriously feeling like shit today. mentally at least. i am depressed and moody and irritable and angry. i lack motivation and am apathetic.

so, all in all, a great day.

weekend is done.

so i had a good run tonight, good pace and shorter miles, really felt good. i'm about to get to sleep (i really hope so) and end the night without the usual gorge-myself-on-snacks-fest that is plaguing me.

hope everyone's doing great out there.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

did it!

found the will somewhere and just did a pretty decent workout. definitely feeling it. i am really REALLY happy i exercised. i didn't want to lose two days in a row without exercising. definitely a good upper body workout, with a bunch of squats thrown in for good measure.

i'm happy about the effort. thrilled about the discipline it took to exercise. i'm gaining ground in the mental willpower aspect.

schedule is all screwy

I just returned from a movie with my dad. we saw "super 8". I enjoyed it alot. it's now 230am, and i am wide awake, because i spent the last two days (well daylight parts) sleeping. i also went out and drank a bit friday night. so that means that friday i was way over my points because of the barbecue and the coke i drink with my jack. and tonight right now, i'm fine, but i need to find some deep willpower to not eat anything before i goto sleep.

also i didn't exercise yesterday due to sleeping all day and then going out and drinking. so i am supposed to exercise today (saturday) but i have yet to do that. but as i said, it is 230am and i am wide awake so i am trying to summon some willpower to work out.

motivation has been lacking the last forty-eight hours or so.

need to figure this out and get back on the good side of things.

Friday, June 10, 2011

keep on keepin' on...

yesterday was the first day this month in which I ate what I should eat, and did not overeat. I'm really excited about that, about getting back into the groove in which I know I can manage what I eat. I'm still working on it, and each day gets a little better. I also need to get my body on a good schedule - ie. wake up at a certain time, eat at certain times during the day, goto sleep at certain times. i am kinda just winging it these days and have no schedule. once i get a better handle on a schedule, my diet and weight loss will fall into line.

i had a job interview yesterday, but i don't know if i will get it. we'll see. i applied for a shit ton of other jobs as well, so hopefully something comes through soon.

i did an abbreviated workout last night, but kept the streak going, 6 out of the last 7 days and 8 out of the last 9 coming into today. i'm really proud of those numbers. definitely want to keep them going.

i got my email about my transfer advisor, and instructions to keep working on my schedule for albany in the fall. excited to work on that later tonight.

hope all is well with everyone out there!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

foooooooood loggers

so, the salad from this morning was two meals, i had turkey and roasted potatoes for dinner, and 2 brownie ala mode for dessert. (i almost wrote desert, which has a very different meaning...) So, all in all, a good day of logging the food, and using that to allow me to make some decent food choices.

also, worked out tonight as well, that's 1 for 1 this week. good stuff.

thanks for stopping by.

small steps...

So I cooked up three chicken breasts and made a rather large salad with the rest of the salad fixin's i had left. I took the bottle of Pepsi out of the fridge, saying to myself "well, I'm having a salad, so it's ok to have some cola." thought about that for a moment, said to myself "well, there's a reason i'm back up to 242 pounds." turned to put it away in the fridge and thought "ok, it's only a glass of soda, it's no big deal." turned to go back to the table and finally stopped. "this is friggin stupid," i said aloud. I put the pepsi in the fridge and sat at the table.

Whereupon I began to eat this massive salad. But I drank three or four glasses of water while eating, and about halfway through said "ok, fuck this, i'm done with this for now." and put it away in the fridge for later.

score a victory for mental willpower on this meal.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

week 1 is done!

so week number 1 of 12 is done, and I've exercised six out of seven days! that's the good news. the not so good news: i grossly overate each day. more not so good news: I didn't accurately log all of my daily food intake. so, all in all, I mark it down as a successful start.

I know what I need to improve on, and now it's time to get back in the habit of doing the right things and eating the right things. No more late night snacks. No more huge plates of food.

Time to hunker down and get to it!

so here's an adjustment...

So I knew that I gained some stress weight in Israel due to the rocket attacks. I also knew that coming home to the US would change my eating habits. I didn't quite think I would gain as much as I did though. I'm now at 242 pounds, 18 up from my lowest point, mid March of 224. So, that's my starting point.

In progress news, we're heading into day 7 with a 5 out of 6 streak.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

temptation got the best of me.

so today was a birthday in the house, and therefore, a birthday cake. while i politely declined earlier, i couldn't get out of the kitchen fast enough just now before i said, ok, well i'll just have a little bit, cause hey, i ran great today. so i had a little bit. i need to get mentally stronger with the willpower. but, today was a good day in the food intake department, so things are progressing.

four out of five is fantastic

i just came back from running. it was great. i've got a nice little 3.3 mile stretch that i've gotten comfortable with. it was a good run, my pace per mile was 35 seconds faster today. which while being awesome, is in the context of just starting to get back into a routine of running, so it's an improvement but i'm not looking at it like all of a sudden i'm superman. Although I did run wearing a superman shirt. maybe there is something to that idea...

new beginning, same feeling.

ok, so four complete days in and all four i ate and drank more than i planned. i am logging the food i eat, but i have not adjusted what i am taking in yet. i also have not had a good sleep pattern nor quality sleep. all in all, i am quite miserable at the moment.

it doesn't help that it is the same blah situation of me living at home right now. i have yet to get a job and i am out of money and i do nothing all day but sit in my room and sleep. so, all in all, things are great here.

as the memories of israel recede into the background, i look at them and think "did i really do that? was i really able to have a normal productive life?"

not really sure i know the answer to that.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

a brand new beginning

Today is the first of June. Also today marks the beginning of a new 12-week session. This timeframe will take me to the week which i will leave for college. So it's a new beginning in which to hunker down, get back on my plan, and get to losing weight again. On a positive note, the weight I've lost so far is gone. No problems keeping it off really, so that's good.

I went out food shopping today, picked up salad ingredients and stuff for the house, so I can snack on and have healthy meals. I just finished a quick 20 minute calisthenics/light free weight session. Getting back into it. Definitely in the mindset.

Hope everyone is well out there in the world.