Monday, October 24, 2011

turn back the clocks

ever wanted to be able to go back into the past? ever think of things you used to do, and say "man, it would be great to do that again"? i have. this weekend i think i tried to. i also saw that it's simply not possible.

i love hockey. when i was growing up, hockey was basically my lifeblood. but i stopped playing in senior year of high school, and at that time, there was no roller hockey in college - which didn't even matter, because I had joined ROTC at Tulane. So basically with college life i lost hockey. i played hockey a bit in 2007 on a team with a friend of my sister's. but it wasn't anything serious. i am on the roller hockey team at albany. playing other college teams. i was so excited about this weekend's tournament. it was kind of a dream, something i imagined while in high school. something i longed for after i stopped playing hockey.

but in the dreams, i was the hockey player i was as a teenager. i was confident on skates, i was lean and in good shape. i was pretty fast and had good hockey sense. i wasn't an awesome player, but i was good. i wasn't 75 pounds overweight. i didn't have a brain injury. i didn't suffer from anxiety and depression. in the dreams, it was realistic - realistic as to what was back in high school.

but i'm not the person, man, or hockey player i was in high school. i am 75 pounds overweight. my brain injury has stolen my physical confidence and my balance on foot, let alone on skates. my depression has robbed me of years of my life spent doing nothing because i lacked the willpower to get out of bed.

i played hockey this weekend. i should be ecstatic about it. i should absolutely love the fact that i was on a pair of skates and in real games.

i am not ecstatic about it.

i'm pretty fucking disturbed as a matter of fact.

i thought i had come to terms with my brain injury, my depression and the disability that hangs around my neck day in and day out. this weekend showed me exactly how much i cannot do because of it. this weekend showed me that i will never be who i was. never do what i did. never get back to the place i was at. this weekend showed me exactly how much i have lost due to my brain injury and my post-traumatic stress. due to my depression and my anxiety. due to my lack of exercise and my extra weight. due to my lack of hope and abundance of despair.

i didn't get to go back and do the things i had dreamed of this weekend. what i did was realize that there are many things that i used to love in my life that i will never ever be able to do again.

and that sucks.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

good week.

so, let's recap what i'm calling a rebound week:

good practice wednesday night playing hockey for the second time since 2007. i also skated tonight for about a half hour, trying to loosen up the back muscles that are the problem right now.

got back on the horse with p90x, and out of the first 10 days, i did 7 of them. so that's a nice ratio at the moment.

got my first hebrew lit paper back today. it was the first paper i've written and i had some trouble with it, but was pretty pleased with the final product. turns out, so was my teacher, and i got a 98. not too shabby.

took my first exam in my computer class, and got a 90 on that. the class average was 69, the high was 96 and the low 32. out of 670 students, only four got a 90 or higher. pretty decent, i'd say.

so my grades are good right now. i'm pleased and a little anxious, because historically, the wheels would have already fallen off the wagon by now, but they haven't, so i'm wondering if i'm just delaying the inevitable...or maybe it's time to banish those thoughts and say fuck it, this time is different.

i'm thinking about a return to israel over the winter break. it's an exciting thought, and i'm 99% towards making a decision.

other than that, the family will be in town tomorrow for family weekend/homecoming, so that should be cool. my sleep cycle is still all screwed up, but there's nothing new there.

nite yall.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


had hockey practice tonight. it kicked my ass. i'm really rusty, and totally not in shape, but it is great. it's so much fun and it takes me back to when i was a teenager and all i did was play hockey. i miss those days. i've got to work on my lower back, and build up some endurance. my lower back was so sore, i had to stop playing. so, definitely gotta work on that.

anyway, today was good. i got back to p90x and did kenpo x tonight. it was pretty difficult. but, it'll get easier as i get stronger and in better shape.

hope yall are doing great.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Working on it.

So, had an appointment at the VA this morning that I missed. But I made it to my afternoon class, and things are decent. Straightening up the room, gonna clean out the car. And later on, p90x and hockey. So, I'm working it.

coming out the other end.

On the upswing of this depression. I constantly go through these cycles. Each time seems more difficult. Each time I forget that it is a cycle. So each time I fall victim to my own poor self-thoughts. So hopefully, by writing this post, I will look at it next cycle and say, hey fucker, it's gonna be ok. "This too shall pass."

Monday, October 10, 2011

kinda gripped by a strong depression right now. done nothing today, skipped classes, have a test tomorrow which i haven't studied for. eating crap when i do eat. not working out. feel like shit. hate myself right now. feel worthless.

i don't know that you can understand how i feel. part of it is me being hard on myself. i shouldn't be this way anymore. i am alive. i am here. i am trying to live again. but it's not easy. and it sucks. and i'm tired of it.


i wake only to look around and sleep again.
there is nothing outside the door. nothing out the window.
devoid of everything. life is less than meaningless.
poetry is crap.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

shoulders and arms...check!

I haven't had muscle soreness like this in a long time. And it's AWESOME. I can definitely tell that I worked hard today. Three days in, and I'm glad I'm doing it. Tomorrow is yoga. I think that's gonna kick my ass a bit too. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm working on my diet. It's a struggle to not eat crap all the time. Plus, the hunger at night and eating right before bed is killer. Gotta stop that.

Cause seriously, it's 1240am and I am hungry. Errrr.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

p90x day two...plyometrics

what is plyometrics you ask? i don't have a good definition other than "it's the workout i just did that is making me want to curl up like a baby and cry, except i don't have the strength."

so two days are done. still getting into the idea of eating correctly. relearning what i learned at the start of my weight loss journey. also working on getting a good sleep pattern, a good eating schedule, a good workout schedule, a good study schedule - let's just say i'm attempting to learn time management.

on an educational note, i spent about three hours tonight finishing a paper for my hebrew literature class. i think it came out alright, we'll see. tomorrow is friday, so it's an easy class day for me. but i have yet to do some hebrew homework. it ain't happening tonight. perhaps in the morning, provided i wake up early enough.

nite, yall.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

now back to our regularly scheduled programming

When this blog was started in December of 2009, it was a part of my weight-loss strategy. I figured if I had a public space where everyone could see (read) my progress, it would help keep me honest and on program. It worked. The first ninety days I lost twenty-five pounds. And I eventually lost 55 pounds, I weighed 224, down from 279.

Well, life happens, and while I was back in Israel in March of this year, the city I lived in was attacked by repeated rocket fire, one of the rockets landing about 500 meters in front of me while I was running in town. So, long story short, I had a relapse of PTSD, major depression, had to come home from Israel, a whole big shit storm. The extra stress, the lack of any more exercise or diet discipline, and I've gained 26 pounds back since March. So I'm now starting out at 250.

Today is day one of P90X. I'm training with one of my best friends (more like a sister) who is going to do the program down in Florida, and my brother who is going to do the program in Boston, and we're going to share the ups and downs throughout the ninety days. Today's workout was the slap in the face I figured it would be. This is gonna kick my ass. But I got through the workout today, and will get better each day.

So, here's to a new program, started with such enthusiasm and hope as we've never before seen.

ALSO: I have roller hockey practice tonight.