Monday, October 24, 2011

turn back the clocks

ever wanted to be able to go back into the past? ever think of things you used to do, and say "man, it would be great to do that again"? i have. this weekend i think i tried to. i also saw that it's simply not possible.

i love hockey. when i was growing up, hockey was basically my lifeblood. but i stopped playing in senior year of high school, and at that time, there was no roller hockey in college - which didn't even matter, because I had joined ROTC at Tulane. So basically with college life i lost hockey. i played hockey a bit in 2007 on a team with a friend of my sister's. but it wasn't anything serious. i am on the roller hockey team at albany. playing other college teams. i was so excited about this weekend's tournament. it was kind of a dream, something i imagined while in high school. something i longed for after i stopped playing hockey.

but in the dreams, i was the hockey player i was as a teenager. i was confident on skates, i was lean and in good shape. i was pretty fast and had good hockey sense. i wasn't an awesome player, but i was good. i wasn't 75 pounds overweight. i didn't have a brain injury. i didn't suffer from anxiety and depression. in the dreams, it was realistic - realistic as to what was back in high school.

but i'm not the person, man, or hockey player i was in high school. i am 75 pounds overweight. my brain injury has stolen my physical confidence and my balance on foot, let alone on skates. my depression has robbed me of years of my life spent doing nothing because i lacked the willpower to get out of bed.

i played hockey this weekend. i should be ecstatic about it. i should absolutely love the fact that i was on a pair of skates and in real games.

i am not ecstatic about it.

i'm pretty fucking disturbed as a matter of fact.

i thought i had come to terms with my brain injury, my depression and the disability that hangs around my neck day in and day out. this weekend showed me exactly how much i cannot do because of it. this weekend showed me that i will never be who i was. never do what i did. never get back to the place i was at. this weekend showed me exactly how much i have lost due to my brain injury and my post-traumatic stress. due to my depression and my anxiety. due to my lack of exercise and my extra weight. due to my lack of hope and abundance of despair.

i didn't get to go back and do the things i had dreamed of this weekend. what i did was realize that there are many things that i used to love in my life that i will never ever be able to do again.

and that sucks.

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