Thursday, December 17, 2015

I lost a friend today.

A brother Marine, a friend who I served with in Iraq in 2005, passed away suddenly today.

The world lost a good man, a fine Marine, and a good friend today.

Semper Fidelis, Bone. Rest easy.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Still living, I am

Hey everybody! How are you? (That assumes people read this)

Finished the semester, after pulling the lever and dropping my math class and psych. Looks like a B+, a B and an A-. Not too bad. Considering everything that went down this semester, I'd have been happy with Cs.

So, checked off those boxes, allowing me to continue on my path toward a degree. I mapped it out, and have an idea of when I'll graduate, but I've decided not to concentrate on that. I've only got so much brainpower, and I need to focus on the day-to-day.

In Fat Guy news, I've gained more weight. But I'm working on it. I have, however, a line graph of my weight gain since I returned from Iraq in 2005. It ain't pretty.

There it is. We'll see what the future brings.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Monday, Monday

So, I woke up this morning in a bad mood. Definitely didn't want to get out of bed, nor go to school. Yet, here I am, in class.

That's a small victory.

I'm doing ok, maintaining so far. I have slipped in recording a dayrate. I've gained over 10 pounds, and I haven't cooked a proper meal in many weeks. But, I'm doing ok.

I am well and truly blessed.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

sunday early morning. (really late saturday night)

i haven't been posting lately, but i'm doing well. i missed a class last week, but went to the rest. overall, i'm sleeping better, and my dayrates are better. could i be doing better? of course. i will start running again soon, which will help.

i'm just letting you know i'm alright. thanks.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Feeling

So, I've been doing better the last two weeks or so. Feeling decent. Today was different.

I realize now that "decent" isn't a feeling, it's not an emotion. I'm starting to feel again. Today, I felt sadness and loss. I mean, no-shit really felt. I started crying heavily in my car on the way home from class. I was listening to a song, and my mind went places, and I started to cry. I tried t stifle it at first, but realized that I needed to feel emotions again, even those emotions that are uncomfortable to feel.

I'm not up to going into detail on what prompted me to cry. I just wanted to say I felt something today.

It's a good day.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Well, now.

For the first time this semester, I went to all my classes this week. Also, I finished a 60-day tracking of the quality of the day (a rating from 0 to 10, in .25 increments) as well as sleep duration (in minutes, delineated into deep sleep and light sleep). These are the charts:


Thoughts:
A. What a vicious rollercoaster that was.
B. Man is my sleep fucked up.
C. The tail end of both graphs are moving in the right direction
D. "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

Go forth and do great things, friends. Thanks for checking in.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

almost!

Went to class yesterday and took a test. Actually accomplished something, which is nice. I'm almost out of this hole, I think come Monday morning I'll be good. I've started running again, and ran Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday. I feel better, and I'm sleeping a bit better.

Monday I had another medication change (as well as Doc change) as I've moved my care to the PTSD team at the VA. I'm pretty happy with the doc, as she listened to me (which is not as insignificant as it sounds) and also checked my (extensive) history, before changing my meds. I have another appointment with her this week, to check in and see how/what to do next.

I'm also set up to begin Prolonged Exposure therapy, starting Friday. I hope this works, I've been told it will help, so I'm giving it a try.








This was a very bad cycle. I've been continuing the dayratings, and looking at the graph, The two arrows indicate 1: When I started to cycle down, and the second, when I started to cycle up. The cycle up time was longer than usual, and like I said, things were fucking bad.

But, I'm doing the things I need to, and hopefully, the next one won't be so bad.

I love you all, and I appreciate everyone helping in their own way, even if it's just being there.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

i have no desire to be alive anymore. nothing is going well, i feel like crap both physically and mentally. i'm wasting existence and time. i want to be done with this. i've had enough.

Friday, September 18, 2015

still alive

been doing really shitty lately. haven't done anything, didn't go to temple for rosh hashana, haven't gone to class in two weeks, i leave my room only to go and get food.

i'm still alive, but it's more of an existence rather than living.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

i fucking hate myself, my existence

i'm in a shit place. i know this. so i don't take people's phone calls because there's no reason to bring them into my shit place. but that's what happened. i'm sorry to my family. i'm done here.

Friday, September 4, 2015

getting stuff done, being a student

accomplishing things is nice. i did an assignment for psych, i just finished the first program for OS, and i did two memos for english. shit, it's almost as if i've got a hang of this college stuff. (stay tuned for the next crisis in 3..2...)

wednesday was good, 4.5, continuing on the up.
today was a good day. 5.5; got a lot done - went shopping, cooked food for the next few days; wrote the program i mentioned. the program was a long evolution, and only now am i getting to bed, after 2am. which is fine. i put it off until this afternoon, and it was the first program i wrote since 2012, so overall, i'm pretty happy.

tomorrow i go see my pill doctor for a check-in. so i will miss english. i need to email the prof in the morning.

ok, that's it.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

present.

monday was a waste. didn't sleep at night, slept through class/decided not to go, 2.5

tuesday was better. slept ok, woke up without the alarm. took my meds, woke up some more, left for campus early, which was good because there was no parking. finally found a spot. went to psych class, went food shopping, came home. assuming nothing else happens, 4.5.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

down in it, again.

missed class/decided not to go thursday and friday, felt like shit since wednesday night, hate it.

thu 8/27   3.0
fri 8/28     3.5
sat 8/29    3.0
sun 8/30   3.0

Thursday, August 27, 2015

wednesday

i took zzquil to get some sleep tuesday into wednesday and slept almost seven hours. and it was good sleep. yesterday was good, so the number is at 6.5.

last night i took zzquil again, and got 6 hr 40 minutes, pretty decent. today i have psych, which i missed on tuesday. also, the cleaning lady is supposed to be here.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

sleep issues caught up with me

i slept maybe a half hour last night. i got out of bed and went to the bookstore this morning when it opened, and bought all my books. came home, tried to nap before psych class at 2, woke up at 430. so not really a good day. going to pack it in early and try and sleep. it's daylight out, it should be easier maybe.

dayrate: 3.5

edit: also, on the left, the weight trackers show that i've gotten to the most recent goal i set, so i'm now at 255. that's down from 287 at the first of the year. tomorrow i'll think about setting a new one.

Monday, August 24, 2015

first day of school!

so today was, like the title says, the first day of class for the fall semester. it was a good day, long, but good. registered for four out of five classes. waiting on the math class - i might be able to get it waived due to transfer credits, which means i'll take a different math class, and finish the requirement, which would be awesome.

overall, it was a great day. long story short, rating of 7.0

sleep, or the lack of.

my watch says i got less than four hours of light sleep last night, with an hour of awake time interspersed in there. not a good sleep at all. on top of that, my stomach's a little upset. i don't know if that's simply nerves, as today is the first day of school, or if i'm actually sick.

anyway, yesterday was good, had dinner with the fam. slept a lot in the morning/early afternoon, i guess my body was trying to catch up for the previous four days, but i was able to get up and go to dinner. i cut my hair and shaved my beard, so i almost look like a human again. overall, it was a good day, i give it a 5.5.

i might try and fit in a nap, as it's a quarter after 5, and i still have some time.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

title or something

so, i just let skylar out. it's now become something of a routine with us. i turn out the lights, lay down, toss and turn for a while, while she is out cold and snoring. i finally get comfortable and begin to drift to sleep, and she's suddenly awake and needs to go out.

anyway, today was a good day, i went to walmart and got groceries and other necessities. i also bought a scale, and lo and behold, i'm now at 255 lbs. so that's nice. i cooked a good meal, and now i really want to sleep. so, today's rating, 6.0.

Friday, August 21, 2015

endweek

so. the last friday night of summer vacation. Fall semester starts Monday. I'm only officially registered for one class, but have emailed profs in the others asking for permission to register over limit. I also need student finances to lift my registration block again (it is only lifted for a day when they do it) so i can register when the classes open up.

tomorrow i have to go grocery shopping. i also need to buy a scale. and some other random things i've been meaning to for the room.

also i think i will go running this weekend. i'd like to start that, and hopefully that can help get my sleep pattern in order.

if i get the classes i want, i'll be in class for three hours straight monday, wednesday and friday 10am to 1pm, then an hour break, then 2pm-315, but this class will only be monday and wednesday. i'll also have an 11am-1215 tuesday and thursday.

i think it will be a good schedule, although i am worried about three straight hours of class. but i figure i might as well have it blocked like that and spend the full 10am-330pm monday and wednesday on campus.

anyway, i'm going to try and sleep. day rate for today: 6.0

sleep issues

I'm still awake. It's 20 to 2am. I'm not sure if my sleep cycle is really jacked up, or I'm just having anxiety and not sleeping because of that. The last few nights I've had headaches and anxiety spikes that have stopped me from sleeping. Last night was so bad I was on the verge of tears from the frustration and throbbing pain.

Hopefully this will get better.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

thurs 20 aug

Today was a better day. I'm going to give it a 6.0. I made it to campus and got my Voc Rehab setup. I can now buy books, and register for classes. Tomorrow I have to see my advisor, and get some details squared away. I also need to figure out getting into some of the classes that are now closed. So that's still up in the air, but I feel good about it.

I just finished cleaning my room, and am waiting for the sheets to dry so I can put them back on the bed. That's a big step. I feel much better in a clean room, but being depressed hinders me from cleaning it, and when it's dirty it depresses me. It's a vicious fucking cycle.


rate

yesterday 8/19/15 - 3.0

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

start your day

first, yesterday rate: 3.0 - 8/18/15

i'm awake because i have a va appointment with the ptsd unit, and also because my dog decided to lose her mind about an hour ago. barking and whining, and when i let her out, more barking, running up and down the fence line, and then she decided to start digging and barking. all at 615 am. not happy.


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

i went out

i went to campus and turned in my voc rehab stuff. i wasn't able to see my advisor, so that's tomorrow. also, i have to wait until the paperwork goes through the va to get my registration hold lifted, so hopefully that's thursday. 

i feel ok, but still don't feel good. i'm torn between being happy i got stuff done and feeling like crap for not getting it all done. and not getting it done sooner.

this is crap.

it's tomorrow. what now?

have yet to get out of bed. it's almost noon. can't concentrate and make myself do it. lack the willpower and strength to do so. lack the requisite amount of give-a-shit. fuck me.

Monday, August 17, 2015

try again tomorrow

that's all i can do. i need to go to campus and get my voc rehab squared away for summer and fall. i need to see the student accounts office to get my registration hold lifted, and i need to see my advisor for some clarifications on transfer credits and then register for the fall. i need to shower and cut my hair in the morning. and get some paperwork together. it would also help if i could wake up willing to do this.

but i fucking doubt it.

this day sucked

i give it a 1.5

yesterdayrate

yesterday sucked. today's not going well either. fuck! i have things to do today but can't get out of bed. someone kill me.

yesterday's rating: 2.0 - 8/16

Saturday, August 15, 2015

dayrate


so today was not good. it wasn't bad per se, but not as good as yesterday. i didn't have any appointments or things to do outside the house, and so i didn't do anything. i need to get better at getting myself to leave on my own if i have nothing to do. i stayed in the room all day, and wasted my day on my computer. my mood wasn't bad, just not as good as yesterday. so today it's a 4.0.

not much happening.

first day with new meds today. different, not sure if better or worse. no bad side effects so far. it's been a lazy day, rainy and stormy as usual. just ate. i realized that lately i cannot sleep unless i'm full from eating. which, of course is not good, as you're not supposed to eat right before bed. so i'm going to have to figure that out.

found out i have a hold on my account at school and cannot register. gotta take care of that monday.

Friday, August 14, 2015

rate the day.

so i gave yesterday a rating, 4.5/10. i think i'm going to start rating each day at the end of the day, and try to keep an accounting of my up and down days. so today was decent, and marginally better than yesterday, and still on the upswing. so today, we'll go with a 5.

did more stuff


i saw my new psychiatrist today. a kid, 27 years old, been a doc for a year or so. surprisingly, i'm pretty confident in him so far. i'm usually wary of younger kids who don't have experience, as i'm not your normal, nor easiest patient to treat. however, this kid is different. he apologized for being "late" when he saw me. first, my appointment was at 1:00pm, i sat down with him at 1:07. that's after getting vitals and all that. so that's not late at all, that's pretty good. however, he was "late" because he was reviewing my file, and looking at all the notes and diagnoses from my previous doctors. thank you! i've complained more than once about docs not looking at my history, and not having an idea of my treatment to this point, and this guy was looking at it. great job doc! also, we spoke about my symptomology in depth, i mean really in depth, he asked good questions and sought clarification when he needed it. we talked about previous medications i was on, and how they worked, and then he came up with a new strategy moving forward, prescribed meds and got me an appointment in 3 weeks to see how the med change goes. i'm VERY pleased with him, and hopefully things will go well.

i also returned a book that i had rented today, which was something i had been meaning to do for a while, but finally got done today. i then came home and cooked some chicken and rice, and had a nice lunch. so far, today has been a good day.

morning

well, i woke up on my own this morning, before my alarm clock. i had breakfast of sorts (2 pbj on wheat and lemonade), and have laid around in bed since then. one of the landlord's people just stopped by, for the exterminator to do some shit. it would have been great if i was notified in advance, but whatever, it's done.

now, i've got some time before i have to leave for the va for my psych appt. i just took a look at my va site for my disability application, and it says that a decision is pending. i guess the rbi c&p yesterday was the last step. i'll know soon. hopefully i get the bump to 100%.

i've heard the arguments that 100% is a disincentive to work and can be an impediment to recovery. i don't agree with it. it would alleviate the stress caused by money a little bit, and might help me manage the stress of everything else better. who knows, i guess we'll see, or we won't.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

did stuff

so i had a c&p appointment at the va today. a c&p is a compensation and pension exam for disability claim. this was for my tbi. it was fine.

i then went to the ptsd clinic and finally made my screening appointment there, that's been needing to get done for a while, and i was there, so i got it done.

i then went grocery shopping, and that is a much larger evolution than it sounds these days, but i've got plenty of food in my cupboards now, and tomorrow i will cook stuff.

i also got in touch with the vet's office to finish my voc rehab stuff so i can get paid for the summer semester and have the fall semester payments all set up.

tomorrow i have a psychology appt at the va, and that oughta be interesting. i have another new doc, and i wonder what he'll do.

i'm going to try to get to sleep early, as i didn't sleep much last night, and want to start being up during the day.

today's score (out of 10): 4.5

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

not much to write about - my days consist mainly of sleeping, waking up and being angry or sad, trying to go back to sleep, eating - which consists of going to ihop or mcdonald's, which is spending money i don't have on food i shouldn't eat, coming home and feeling defeated for eating crap and spending money, having the desire to go grocery shopping so i eat better and save money, but lacking motivation and energy to do so, surfing the internet, watching netflix, and overall hating life.

seriously hating life. i'm tired of this shit.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

coming back

just got back to miami from a couple of days in north carolina with the family. it was good to see my brother, and all the cousins and kids at my sister's house. it was a surprisingly good visit, as i had not been feeling that great (see two previous posts) and didn't really feel like going. i'm glad i did.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

i've been researching easy and painless ways to commit suicide. it seems i'm really too lazy to do it, even though i have no desire to live.

Monday, July 27, 2015

been thinking about suicide lately. not about actually committing it, but more along the lines of i wish my life was over/i wish i didn't exist anymore. it's a serious difference there. i have no plans on harming myself, and am not making risky decisions, i just wish i wasn't here lately.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

write off

fuck this day too. missed a test this morning due to a panic attack, missed class last night, same. haven't left my house since sunday except to get food. things are greeeeaaat.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

in a bad place

and i think i know some of the reason.

as opposed to the normal shit my mind goes through, i'm also feeling the effects of withdrawal from one of my medications. i've done some research into it, and certain sites say side effects of withdrawal from this med can last for ninety days. 90 days? whiskey tango foxtrot, over? i have an appointment with a new psych pill doc thursday at the va, but if i feel like this still tomorrow, i might go in as a walk-in. you'd think that these fucking people, once they decided that i should change medications, might tell me the possible side effects of stopping one, right?

fuck. anyway, i feel like overall shit. and there's not much i can do about it. i've already written off class tonight due to anxiety attacks, and i have a test tomorrow morning in my psych class, which i haven't even thought about preparing for.

so, yeah, things are great.

Monday, June 29, 2015

tobacco


really craving some tobacco right now. been over a month and some odd days, and today, if i knew of a store which sold some dip, i'd go buy some. somehow, i'm not inclined to go searching though. might have to if it gets worse.

written off

So, I've been trying to figure out a way to explain this. In the past, I've written off days, half-way through or so, deciding that this day or that day simply won't be good or productive or whatever. The last few though, I've written off as soon as I woke up. Even today, I woke up early, and moderately rested, and simply went back to sleep. Didn't go to class, and didn't make an appointment either. So I've pretty much written the day off.

That bothers me. I've felt like this since Thursday or so.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

bleh

So, I've been in bed most of the last 4 days. I feel like shit physically and mentally. I'm emotionally exhausted, and I have no energy. I'm in a really bad mood, and pretty depressed. I hate this.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaades

Well, here is the post-mortem for Summer A:

Fundamentals of Nutritional Science - Fail (Medical Drop Pending)
Fund of Nutritional Science Lab ------ A-
English Composition 2 ----------------- B+
World Religions ------------------------- B+

Not bad. Not bad at all.

I went running tonight, did a nice 3 mile loop. Temperature was around 88 or so. 700 calories. Average heart rate of 160. Gotta work on form and pacing. Felt good though.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Officially done with Summer A!

I've now completed the first semester of college since 2012, and the first semester on my way to getting my degree.

I've got one grade in so far, an A- for lab. I also am pretty sure of a B for World Religion. If I get a B+ in English Comp, I've got a 3.23 for the semester. If it's a B, it's a 3.1. Fuck, I'll take it!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

almost done with Summer A

Academic recap:

First semester back at college since 2012. First semester at FIU. First summer semester ever. First accelerated summer semester ever. Started with three classes and a lab. First science class with lab in over a decade or so. Medically dropped the science lecture, kept the lab. (Second time I've done that).
Semester ends Friday. Completely finished with my World Religion class. I'm thinking a C+/B- there. Have some labs to finish for Nutritional Science, looking at a B+/A- possibly. Have a final research paper to write for English Comp. Again, looking at a B+/A-.  So there's a possibility for a GPA anywhere from a 2.7 to a 3.2. I'll take it. I've got my sanity still, and may have even learned something. Hell, I'll take a 2.5. But I think I did better than that.


Monday, June 15, 2015

Hot, muggy day.

Went to school today. Last Monday of the semester. Yay. Not really in the mood to write longer thoughts. Lots of work to finish. Tired as hell. Feel like shit. Have a nagging worried feeling about everything. Feeling disappointed in myself about this semester. Feeling anger at myself for jumping in the deep end, and not easing back into school. Bullshit.

if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

I guess I originally wrote this 4/20/2011. I found it, and for your reading pleasure, have updated and published it here.

I stumbled upon this. It's a list of 75 ways to stay unhappy for ever. Interesting reverse psychology. I am going to add my thoughts and comments, in orange.

  1. Dwell on things that happened in the past. definitely guilty of this. over and over again.
  2. Obsess yourself with all the things that might happen in the future. yep. i project. a lot.
  3. Complain about problems instead of taking the necessary steps to resolve them. absofrigginlutely.
  4. Fear change and resist it. definitely do this.
  5. Work hard, do your best and then condemn yourself for not achieving perfection.i find i have a hard time doing my best, i kinda half-ass it and condemn myself for that.
  6. Belittle yourself. absolutely
  7. Hang out with other people who belittle you. this one not at all. this is one i definitely do not do.
  8. Try to control everything and then worry about the things you can’t control. yep
  9. Lie to yourself and those around you. yeah.
  10. Keep doing the same thing over and over again. yep.
  11. Be lazy and follow the path of least resistance. a lot more than i'd care to admit.
  12. Hold onto anger.  Never forgive anyone. yep. ooooh yeah.
  13. Always be right.  Never let anyone else be more right than you. i don't think i do this really.
  14. Compare yourself unfavorably to those who you feel are more successful. yes, in all aspects.
  15. Let small issues snowball into big problems.  absolutely.
  16. Never learn anything new. no, this one's not me.
  17. Never take responsibility for your own actions. i'm usually pretty good at this one.
  18. Blame everyone around you. not everyone maybe, but everything? the situation? my experiences? society? 
  19. Don’t ask for directions and don’t ask questions. fifty-fifty on this one.
  20. Don’t let anyone help you. my problem is asking for help in the correct manner and timeframe
  21. Quit when the going gets tough. fuck it, i anticipate it getting tough and quit beforehand.
  22. Be suspicious.  Trust no one. guilty.
  23. Get four hours of sleep every night and convince yourself that it’s enough. um, no.
  24. Never throw anything way.  Even if you don’t use it, hold onto it. that's a different hamster.
  25. Say “yes” to everyone.  Fill all your time with commitments. nope.
  26. Try to be everyone’s friend. no, i hate everyone equally.
  27. Multitask, multitask, multitask!  Do everything at once. more like do nothing always.
  28. Never spend any time alone. I spend most of my time alone, and it isn't good.
  29. Don’t help others unless you have to.  Do only the things that benefit you directly. opposite.
  30. Hang out with people who complain about everything. i'd have to hang out with people, first.
  31. Focus on what you don’t want to happen. yep.
  32. Fear the things you don’t fully understand. nah, i have a pretty good understanding of the things i fear.
  33. Always seek external validation before you consider yourself good enough. i think i'm so anti- this, that i dismiss external opinions before they're given, and it becomes counterproductive...?
  34. Take everything and everyone in life seriously. life is a serious thing. guilty.
  35. Spend your life working in a career field you aren’t passionate about. for a while.
  36. Focus on the problems. yep.
  37. Think about all the things you don’t have. yep.
  38. Read or watch lots of depressing news from broadcast media. fuck no.
  39. Set lofty goals for yourself and never do anything to achieve them. no, my goals are realistic. i'm just too impatient.
  40. Never exercise. i'm getting better with this. hell, i've got a whole blog about it.
  41. Only eat junk food and fried food. 
  42. Never check-up on your health.
  43. Setup your lifestyle so it revolves around money.
  44. Spend more than you earn and rack up lots of financial debt. been there, done that.
  45. Don’t say what you mean.  Don’t mean what you say. i almost always say what i mean, sometimes it takes a bit for me to know what i want to say, and then i say it.
  46. Frown. i have "resting bitch face"
  47. Never tell anyone how you feel or what you’re thinking. no, i'm pretty communicative.
  48. Make sure everything you do impresses someone else. nope, no one to impress.
  49. Always put your own needs on the back burner. changing this one.
  50. Get involved in other people problems and make them your own. waaaaay too much
  51. Make others feel bad about themselves. yeah, i do this sometimes, and i'm really good at it (which isn't something i like to brag about)
  52. Watch TV for several hours every day. no. not unless hockey season is on.
  53. Gamble often. no.
  54. Stay in the same place.  Don’t travel. oh, i travel. i just moved! 
  55. Don’t play, just work. don't do either, just sleep. or toss and turn.
  56. Let your hobbies go. yep.
  57. Let your close relationships go. yeah. this has happened.
  58. Never finish what you start. well, it's been 16 years, but i'm back in college, so i'm working on this one...
  59. Take everything personally. even if it has nothing to do with me.
  60. Do lots of drugs.  Drink lots of alcohol. been there, done that.
  61. Never say, “I’m sorry.”  Never say, “I love you.” no. these i do often. i tend to never leave these unsaid.
  62. Don’t work hard at anything. 
  63. Always wait until the last minute. that's what the last minute is for.
  64. Believe that, no matter what, you are entitled to things. yeah, i've come to realize this about some things. and i don't know what my opinion on it is yet.
  65. Let others make decisions for you. no.
  66. Remember the insults.  Forget the compliments. definitely.
  67. Let it all bottle up inside. sometimes, yeah. but i also have this blog thing.
  68. Rely on others for everything. no, absolutely not. i cannot stand having to rely on anyone else. i am so fiercely independent that it has become a liability, not an asset.
  69. Fail to plan. or, plan to fail?
  70. Don’t dream. 
  71. Don’t think about the future at all. no, see number 2.
  72. Always disregard other people’s opinions and suggestions. no, i value other peoples opinions.
  73. Make promises you can’t keep. yep. mostly they're in good faith, and then i cannot complete.
  74. Don’t decide on anything, ever. no, i make decisions. some of them are even good ones.
  75. Just keep going and going and going.  And never ever stop. meh not so much.
Well shit, I'd be happy as shit if these were ways to be happy; I do most of them. I guess I've got some habits to break.

Anyway, nite y'all. Welcome back to those who are returning to check in, welcome to those new people who've just discovered this corner of my mind. 

Friday, June 12, 2015

the s word

i can't do it. i can't exist like this, it simply isn't worth it anymore. it has gotten continually worse, with no end in sight, and no way out.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

wow.

i haven't had a panic attack like the one yesterday in a very long time. the intensity and duration were almost unbearable. I was seriously on the verge of losing it. I don't really remember my visit to the VA in the morning, nor being in most of the classes yesterday. I do remember trying to find information on how to drop out of college again, which is how I know it was really bad.

Monday, June 8, 2015

panic which has given way almost completely to anger.

well, i'm sitting in English class right now, having not completed my essay. I never got a response to my email from last night to the professor, and have been enjoying a full-blown panic/anxiety attack since about 7am this morning.

I just don't think this whole college thing is going to work. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it.

still panic

still having a panic attack. still can't concentrate enough to write this essay. the "well, i'm fucked" thoughts are getting louder. just now the thought of withdrawing from the semester altogether went through my head.

Panic! At the desk? computer? brain?

I am in the middle of a second panic attack for the weekend. I'm really not doing well. I don't know how to cope, and get through it, and that means that I cannot complete my homework. Which consists of Essay 2 for English comp, which is worth 25% of my grade. So not only am I having a panic attack, my anxiety because of the consequences of not getting the work done is feeding it. It's like a vicious cycle. I just want to get off of this ride already, and be done.

Dammit.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Welcome to the end of the semester?!?

Wow. Monday is week 5 of the semester, which is only 6 weeks. This has certainly been different, as I've never taken a Summer semester, nor specifically a Mini Summer semester, which is so accelerated.

One of my problems I've realized is, it took me a bit of time to get into the groove. Normally, with a full semester, it's not a problem. But in a six week timeframe, two weeks is a large chunk of time. But I'm in it now.

English Comp is going well, I think. I have to submit Essay 2 on Monday, which sets up Essays 3 and 4. World Religions will be fine. Actually, it may not. I haven't written an essay for that class, and just realized it. FUCK. Well, that may be an issue. We'll see. Also, I have to get our group set up for our presentation on Thursday. Science lecture hinges on me doing well on the final two tests. If not, kiss that goodbye. Lab is sewn up, and a sure thing.

Other than that, while Monday will be one calendar month since moving down here, I still don't know if I've completed the transition. Anxiety attacks abound, and I'm not sure if I've set myself up with good habits, or if I'm going to be given a tough wake-up call when grades come out for this semester.

I have to do laundry today, I have to make sure to eat enough, as my appetite has been gone the last week and a half or so. I also need to do a proper visit to Publix for food shopping.

But really, my bed is calling to me.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Not mentally here

I can't seem to mentally "wake up" and get moving today. This happens most Tuesdays and Thursdays. There may be a couple of reasons for it. One - I tend to stay up later those nights, as I know I don't have class until almost three. Also, Monday nights I have XCO which is a pretty good workout, and I then eat and go to sleep after. It's possible that fucks up my sleep schedule. I definitely don't feel well rested this morning, and mentally I feel exhausted. Overall, I feel like shit.

I also think I have some anxiety regarding my world religion class, as I have not been doing enough (any) real work in that class. As each day goes by in this abbreviated semester, my anxiety gets worse about this class, which, as I'm sure you've realized by now, is a Tuesday and Thursday class. My anxiety is enough that I cannot concentrate and it is difficult to actually get the work done, which would alleviate the anxiety, and fix the issue. I need to take some time today after class and speak with my professor, and explain the situation, and see what he thinks. If he's understanding to the issue, I should be able to relax and work through the anxiety. If not, who in the fuck knows.

In other news, I am not losing weight at the rate in which I thought I would/at the rate I would like. I really don't know what the problem is. And that pisses me of. Lots of things piss me off.

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Monday, June 1, 2015

In class post

It seems that I'm still not able to fully concentrate in class, hence, another post. I've begun using my first class on MWF to finish prep for my second class which is after this one, and also to get my work ready for lab, which is later in the day.

I'm sure that this is why I am not retaining the knowledge from this class, and why I think I bombed the test in this class, so I have got to work on changing that.

I had a great weekend, saw a good friend whom I haven't seen in a couple of years, and met some of her friends. We had a great time, and I got to see more of Miami. I babysat the kids last night, which was fun, I'm always super-active with them when I'm over there, and I love spending time with them.

I finally bought some school supplies late last night, and theoretically, will be able to organize my stuff and get ready for the end of the semester. Wait, let's let that phrase sink in for a moment - the END of the semester. It's the beginning of Week 4, out of a 6 week semester. Definitely jumped into the deep end without my swimmies. But I think I'm doing alright. However, I seriously need to buckle down these last two weeks in order to get the best grade possible.

I just checked the academic calendars, and this semester, Summer A, ends on June 19. Summer B begins on June 22 and ends on July 31. The Fall semester doesn't start until August 24, which gives me almost an entire month to relax and recharge in prep for the full semesters.

On another note, I had my first visit to the Miami VA last week. I'll just say, I'm not impressed, actually, to go farther, I'm very worried that they will not be able to adequately provide me care. Without getting too far into it, they don't have a program just for OIF/OEF veterans, I don't have a dedicated social worker/case manager yet (and I started this process many months ago). They don't provide evening clinics to accommodate veterans who are fortunate enough to work or go to school, and they don't really seem to have ever come across a veteran like me, who is very active in his own healthcare. I'm pretty sure I pissed quite a few people off, all in one morning. We'll see what happens, but I'm totally not confident.

Changing subjects again, the Rangers lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals Friday night, and another promising season comes to a premature close. Such is the life of a Ranger fan, constant disappointment, made worse by some really good teams with huge potential who decide to not show up when it counts.

Going back to the subject of the VA, they just called and I've an appointment to get my counseling set up. This is a good thing, even if it will take three weeks to get it done.

For some reason, I'm a little more optimistic. Let's stop on that optimistic note, and hopefully the rest of my day will go well.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

XCO Workout

In addition to Zumba, I'm doing something called XCO. Look it up for more information, but it's pretty decent. I burned 801 calories in a 57 minute session with an average heart rate of 127 bpm. I'm beat.

In academic news, pretty sure I bombed a test this morning. I can't really be that upset about it because I did not adequately prepare. I also got a B- on my first English Comp paper, which I am upset about, but, I also did not adequately prepare, so I'm not sure why I'm upset. Interesting, no?

Anyway, time for a shower, and sleep. I have my first VA appointment down here in Miami tomorrow morning, which reminds me, I should probably look up the address, so I know where I'm going, and how long it will take to get me there.

Ach, my body and my brain hurt.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I was running!

Took the first run in my new shoes. 2+ miles round the neighborhood, used the Surge and the MapMyRun app simultaneously. Interesting seeing the differences between the watch and the app on my Note 3.

Surge says:               2.17mi; 4800 steps; 33:22; 677 cals; 15:21 avg pace; 161 avg bpm
MapMyRun says:     2.20mi; 4931 steps; 32:52; 433 cals (approx.); 14:58 avg pace; n/a bpm


Back in the saddle

Hey everyone,

Another long stretch of time has gone by. Let's catch you (if you're still there) up on the events that have occurred since the last time I posted.

I moved! I'm now living in Miami. I am again a college student, on my way to finishing my bachelor's degree. I've changed my major (for the nineteenth time, or so) to Information Technology. If everything goes according to plan (which, it never does, in my experience), I should graduate after the Fall semester in 2016.

I'm actually typing while in a class. Which should illustrate that my attention span (or lack thereof) is still an issue for me. The class is actually Studies in World Religion, and a group of students is doing a presentation on Buddhism. They're actually all sitting in a circle on the floor in the class, cross-legged and chanting "ohmmmm". It's actually unreal. Now they're all chanting "ahhhh," as if they're at the doctor's office. So, I'm  comfortable with writing, and not missing out on anything important.

I'm now at FIU - Florida International University. It's nice down here, been here in Miami for eighteen days. It hasn't been cooler than seventy-five degrees or so, and it's been quite humid. I fucking love it. After the winter up in the arctic tundra that is Long Island, when we finally had the thaw, I definitely am glad to be down in a warmer climate. Don't get me wrong, it's HOT. And it's muggy. But, I'm slowly acclimating to the weather, and while I know it will get warmer as the summer continues, I'll be fine.

When I say I've moved, I've moved permanently. The Long Island house still exists, but I don't have any plans to return there. EVER. So, I packed up everything I own, threw out stuff I no longer needed, and loaded the car, and drove down here.

I've lost some weight recently, both before and after the move, but it's definitely been easier in the weather, as I'm sweating my ass off. I'm also walking more, as I get lost on campus still, but it helps to be active. Also, I've started doing Zumba. (That's right, get a good vision of the Fat Guy doing Zumba to Latin music and sweating his ass off.) It's a great workout, and I'm getting in shape while doing it.

I also went to a running store and got fitted for running shoes for the first time in many, many years. It was immediately apparent how important a good pair of shoes is. My posture is better, my knees, back and ankles feel better. I hope to go on my first good run sometime this week, and am looking forward to finding out how well my body feels after the run.

So, as of Saturday, 5/26/15, I'm down to 268.2 lbs. I'm monitoring my food intake (not as strictly as I'd like, but getting there). I'm also walking more, and doing well with consistently being active, which is helping, but it's a slow process. I know this, and I need to constantly remind myself, because I fall easily back into my hole.

Anyway, it's time to end this post. Hopefully it won't be another six months before the next.