Tuesday, June 30, 2015

in a bad place

and i think i know some of the reason.

as opposed to the normal shit my mind goes through, i'm also feeling the effects of withdrawal from one of my medications. i've done some research into it, and certain sites say side effects of withdrawal from this med can last for ninety days. 90 days? whiskey tango foxtrot, over? i have an appointment with a new psych pill doc thursday at the va, but if i feel like this still tomorrow, i might go in as a walk-in. you'd think that these fucking people, once they decided that i should change medications, might tell me the possible side effects of stopping one, right?

fuck. anyway, i feel like overall shit. and there's not much i can do about it. i've already written off class tonight due to anxiety attacks, and i have a test tomorrow morning in my psych class, which i haven't even thought about preparing for.

so, yeah, things are great.

Monday, June 29, 2015


really craving some tobacco right now. been over a month and some odd days, and today, if i knew of a store which sold some dip, i'd go buy some. somehow, i'm not inclined to go searching though. might have to if it gets worse.

written off

So, I've been trying to figure out a way to explain this. In the past, I've written off days, half-way through or so, deciding that this day or that day simply won't be good or productive or whatever. The last few though, I've written off as soon as I woke up. Even today, I woke up early, and moderately rested, and simply went back to sleep. Didn't go to class, and didn't make an appointment either. So I've pretty much written the day off.

That bothers me. I've felt like this since Thursday or so.

Sunday, June 28, 2015


So, I've been in bed most of the last 4 days. I feel like shit physically and mentally. I'm emotionally exhausted, and I have no energy. I'm in a really bad mood, and pretty depressed. I hate this.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015


Well, here is the post-mortem for Summer A:

Fundamentals of Nutritional Science - Fail (Medical Drop Pending)
Fund of Nutritional Science Lab ------ A-
English Composition 2 ----------------- B+
World Religions ------------------------- B+

Not bad. Not bad at all.

I went running tonight, did a nice 3 mile loop. Temperature was around 88 or so. 700 calories. Average heart rate of 160. Gotta work on form and pacing. Felt good though.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Officially done with Summer A!

I've now completed the first semester of college since 2012, and the first semester on my way to getting my degree.

I've got one grade in so far, an A- for lab. I also am pretty sure of a B for World Religion. If I get a B+ in English Comp, I've got a 3.23 for the semester. If it's a B, it's a 3.1. Fuck, I'll take it!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

almost done with Summer A

Academic recap:

First semester back at college since 2012. First semester at FIU. First summer semester ever. First accelerated summer semester ever. Started with three classes and a lab. First science class with lab in over a decade or so. Medically dropped the science lecture, kept the lab. (Second time I've done that).
Semester ends Friday. Completely finished with my World Religion class. I'm thinking a C+/B- there. Have some labs to finish for Nutritional Science, looking at a B+/A- possibly. Have a final research paper to write for English Comp. Again, looking at a B+/A-.  So there's a possibility for a GPA anywhere from a 2.7 to a 3.2. I'll take it. I've got my sanity still, and may have even learned something. Hell, I'll take a 2.5. But I think I did better than that.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Hot, muggy day.

Went to school today. Last Monday of the semester. Yay. Not really in the mood to write longer thoughts. Lots of work to finish. Tired as hell. Feel like shit. Have a nagging worried feeling about everything. Feeling disappointed in myself about this semester. Feeling anger at myself for jumping in the deep end, and not easing back into school. Bullshit.

if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

I guess I originally wrote this 4/20/2011. I found it, and for your reading pleasure, have updated and published it here.

I stumbled upon this. It's a list of 75 ways to stay unhappy for ever. Interesting reverse psychology. I am going to add my thoughts and comments, in orange.

  1. Dwell on things that happened in the past. definitely guilty of this. over and over again.
  2. Obsess yourself with all the things that might happen in the future. yep. i project. a lot.
  3. Complain about problems instead of taking the necessary steps to resolve them. absofrigginlutely.
  4. Fear change and resist it. definitely do this.
  5. Work hard, do your best and then condemn yourself for not achieving perfection.i find i have a hard time doing my best, i kinda half-ass it and condemn myself for that.
  6. Belittle yourself. absolutely
  7. Hang out with other people who belittle you. this one not at all. this is one i definitely do not do.
  8. Try to control everything and then worry about the things you can’t control. yep
  9. Lie to yourself and those around you. yeah.
  10. Keep doing the same thing over and over again. yep.
  11. Be lazy and follow the path of least resistance. a lot more than i'd care to admit.
  12. Hold onto anger.  Never forgive anyone. yep. ooooh yeah.
  13. Always be right.  Never let anyone else be more right than you. i don't think i do this really.
  14. Compare yourself unfavorably to those who you feel are more successful. yes, in all aspects.
  15. Let small issues snowball into big problems.  absolutely.
  16. Never learn anything new. no, this one's not me.
  17. Never take responsibility for your own actions. i'm usually pretty good at this one.
  18. Blame everyone around you. not everyone maybe, but everything? the situation? my experiences? society? 
  19. Don’t ask for directions and don’t ask questions. fifty-fifty on this one.
  20. Don’t let anyone help you. my problem is asking for help in the correct manner and timeframe
  21. Quit when the going gets tough. fuck it, i anticipate it getting tough and quit beforehand.
  22. Be suspicious.  Trust no one. guilty.
  23. Get four hours of sleep every night and convince yourself that it’s enough. um, no.
  24. Never throw anything way.  Even if you don’t use it, hold onto it. that's a different hamster.
  25. Say “yes” to everyone.  Fill all your time with commitments. nope.
  26. Try to be everyone’s friend. no, i hate everyone equally.
  27. Multitask, multitask, multitask!  Do everything at once. more like do nothing always.
  28. Never spend any time alone. I spend most of my time alone, and it isn't good.
  29. Don’t help others unless you have to.  Do only the things that benefit you directly. opposite.
  30. Hang out with people who complain about everything. i'd have to hang out with people, first.
  31. Focus on what you don’t want to happen. yep.
  32. Fear the things you don’t fully understand. nah, i have a pretty good understanding of the things i fear.
  33. Always seek external validation before you consider yourself good enough. i think i'm so anti- this, that i dismiss external opinions before they're given, and it becomes counterproductive...?
  34. Take everything and everyone in life seriously. life is a serious thing. guilty.
  35. Spend your life working in a career field you aren’t passionate about. for a while.
  36. Focus on the problems. yep.
  37. Think about all the things you don’t have. yep.
  38. Read or watch lots of depressing news from broadcast media. fuck no.
  39. Set lofty goals for yourself and never do anything to achieve them. no, my goals are realistic. i'm just too impatient.
  40. Never exercise. i'm getting better with this. hell, i've got a whole blog about it.
  41. Only eat junk food and fried food. 
  42. Never check-up on your health.
  43. Setup your lifestyle so it revolves around money.
  44. Spend more than you earn and rack up lots of financial debt. been there, done that.
  45. Don’t say what you mean.  Don’t mean what you say. i almost always say what i mean, sometimes it takes a bit for me to know what i want to say, and then i say it.
  46. Frown. i have "resting bitch face"
  47. Never tell anyone how you feel or what you’re thinking. no, i'm pretty communicative.
  48. Make sure everything you do impresses someone else. nope, no one to impress.
  49. Always put your own needs on the back burner. changing this one.
  50. Get involved in other people problems and make them your own. waaaaay too much
  51. Make others feel bad about themselves. yeah, i do this sometimes, and i'm really good at it (which isn't something i like to brag about)
  52. Watch TV for several hours every day. no. not unless hockey season is on.
  53. Gamble often. no.
  54. Stay in the same place.  Don’t travel. oh, i travel. i just moved! 
  55. Don’t play, just work. don't do either, just sleep. or toss and turn.
  56. Let your hobbies go. yep.
  57. Let your close relationships go. yeah. this has happened.
  58. Never finish what you start. well, it's been 16 years, but i'm back in college, so i'm working on this one...
  59. Take everything personally. even if it has nothing to do with me.
  60. Do lots of drugs.  Drink lots of alcohol. been there, done that.
  61. Never say, “I’m sorry.”  Never say, “I love you.” no. these i do often. i tend to never leave these unsaid.
  62. Don’t work hard at anything. 
  63. Always wait until the last minute. that's what the last minute is for.
  64. Believe that, no matter what, you are entitled to things. yeah, i've come to realize this about some things. and i don't know what my opinion on it is yet.
  65. Let others make decisions for you. no.
  66. Remember the insults.  Forget the compliments. definitely.
  67. Let it all bottle up inside. sometimes, yeah. but i also have this blog thing.
  68. Rely on others for everything. no, absolutely not. i cannot stand having to rely on anyone else. i am so fiercely independent that it has become a liability, not an asset.
  69. Fail to plan. or, plan to fail?
  70. Don’t dream. 
  71. Don’t think about the future at all. no, see number 2.
  72. Always disregard other people’s opinions and suggestions. no, i value other peoples opinions.
  73. Make promises you can’t keep. yep. mostly they're in good faith, and then i cannot complete.
  74. Don’t decide on anything, ever. no, i make decisions. some of them are even good ones.
  75. Just keep going and going and going.  And never ever stop. meh not so much.
Well shit, I'd be happy as shit if these were ways to be happy; I do most of them. I guess I've got some habits to break.

Anyway, nite y'all. Welcome back to those who are returning to check in, welcome to those new people who've just discovered this corner of my mind. 

Friday, June 12, 2015

the s word

i can't do it. i can't exist like this, it simply isn't worth it anymore. it has gotten continually worse, with no end in sight, and no way out.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


i haven't had a panic attack like the one yesterday in a very long time. the intensity and duration were almost unbearable. I was seriously on the verge of losing it. I don't really remember my visit to the VA in the morning, nor being in most of the classes yesterday. I do remember trying to find information on how to drop out of college again, which is how I know it was really bad.

Monday, June 8, 2015

panic which has given way almost completely to anger.

well, i'm sitting in English class right now, having not completed my essay. I never got a response to my email from last night to the professor, and have been enjoying a full-blown panic/anxiety attack since about 7am this morning.

I just don't think this whole college thing is going to work. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it.

still panic

still having a panic attack. still can't concentrate enough to write this essay. the "well, i'm fucked" thoughts are getting louder. just now the thought of withdrawing from the semester altogether went through my head.

Panic! At the desk? computer? brain?

I am in the middle of a second panic attack for the weekend. I'm really not doing well. I don't know how to cope, and get through it, and that means that I cannot complete my homework. Which consists of Essay 2 for English comp, which is worth 25% of my grade. So not only am I having a panic attack, my anxiety because of the consequences of not getting the work done is feeding it. It's like a vicious cycle. I just want to get off of this ride already, and be done.


Saturday, June 6, 2015

Welcome to the end of the semester?!?

Wow. Monday is week 5 of the semester, which is only 6 weeks. This has certainly been different, as I've never taken a Summer semester, nor specifically a Mini Summer semester, which is so accelerated.

One of my problems I've realized is, it took me a bit of time to get into the groove. Normally, with a full semester, it's not a problem. But in a six week timeframe, two weeks is a large chunk of time. But I'm in it now.

English Comp is going well, I think. I have to submit Essay 2 on Monday, which sets up Essays 3 and 4. World Religions will be fine. Actually, it may not. I haven't written an essay for that class, and just realized it. FUCK. Well, that may be an issue. We'll see. Also, I have to get our group set up for our presentation on Thursday. Science lecture hinges on me doing well on the final two tests. If not, kiss that goodbye. Lab is sewn up, and a sure thing.

Other than that, while Monday will be one calendar month since moving down here, I still don't know if I've completed the transition. Anxiety attacks abound, and I'm not sure if I've set myself up with good habits, or if I'm going to be given a tough wake-up call when grades come out for this semester.

I have to do laundry today, I have to make sure to eat enough, as my appetite has been gone the last week and a half or so. I also need to do a proper visit to Publix for food shopping.

But really, my bed is calling to me.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Not mentally here

I can't seem to mentally "wake up" and get moving today. This happens most Tuesdays and Thursdays. There may be a couple of reasons for it. One - I tend to stay up later those nights, as I know I don't have class until almost three. Also, Monday nights I have XCO which is a pretty good workout, and I then eat and go to sleep after. It's possible that fucks up my sleep schedule. I definitely don't feel well rested this morning, and mentally I feel exhausted. Overall, I feel like shit.

I also think I have some anxiety regarding my world religion class, as I have not been doing enough (any) real work in that class. As each day goes by in this abbreviated semester, my anxiety gets worse about this class, which, as I'm sure you've realized by now, is a Tuesday and Thursday class. My anxiety is enough that I cannot concentrate and it is difficult to actually get the work done, which would alleviate the anxiety, and fix the issue. I need to take some time today after class and speak with my professor, and explain the situation, and see what he thinks. If he's understanding to the issue, I should be able to relax and work through the anxiety. If not, who in the fuck knows.

In other news, I am not losing weight at the rate in which I thought I would/at the rate I would like. I really don't know what the problem is. And that pisses me of. Lots of things piss me off.

The more things change, the more things stay the same.

Monday, June 1, 2015

In class post

It seems that I'm still not able to fully concentrate in class, hence, another post. I've begun using my first class on MWF to finish prep for my second class which is after this one, and also to get my work ready for lab, which is later in the day.

I'm sure that this is why I am not retaining the knowledge from this class, and why I think I bombed the test in this class, so I have got to work on changing that.

I had a great weekend, saw a good friend whom I haven't seen in a couple of years, and met some of her friends. We had a great time, and I got to see more of Miami. I babysat the kids last night, which was fun, I'm always super-active with them when I'm over there, and I love spending time with them.

I finally bought some school supplies late last night, and theoretically, will be able to organize my stuff and get ready for the end of the semester. Wait, let's let that phrase sink in for a moment - the END of the semester. It's the beginning of Week 4, out of a 6 week semester. Definitely jumped into the deep end without my swimmies. But I think I'm doing alright. However, I seriously need to buckle down these last two weeks in order to get the best grade possible.

I just checked the academic calendars, and this semester, Summer A, ends on June 19. Summer B begins on June 22 and ends on July 31. The Fall semester doesn't start until August 24, which gives me almost an entire month to relax and recharge in prep for the full semesters.

On another note, I had my first visit to the Miami VA last week. I'll just say, I'm not impressed, actually, to go farther, I'm very worried that they will not be able to adequately provide me care. Without getting too far into it, they don't have a program just for OIF/OEF veterans, I don't have a dedicated social worker/case manager yet (and I started this process many months ago). They don't provide evening clinics to accommodate veterans who are fortunate enough to work or go to school, and they don't really seem to have ever come across a veteran like me, who is very active in his own healthcare. I'm pretty sure I pissed quite a few people off, all in one morning. We'll see what happens, but I'm totally not confident.

Changing subjects again, the Rangers lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals Friday night, and another promising season comes to a premature close. Such is the life of a Ranger fan, constant disappointment, made worse by some really good teams with huge potential who decide to not show up when it counts.

Going back to the subject of the VA, they just called and I've an appointment to get my counseling set up. This is a good thing, even if it will take three weeks to get it done.

For some reason, I'm a little more optimistic. Let's stop on that optimistic note, and hopefully the rest of my day will go well.