Sunday, August 30, 2015

down in it, again.

missed class/decided not to go thursday and friday, felt like shit since wednesday night, hate it.

thu 8/27   3.0
fri 8/28     3.5
sat 8/29    3.0
sun 8/30   3.0

Thursday, August 27, 2015


i took zzquil to get some sleep tuesday into wednesday and slept almost seven hours. and it was good sleep. yesterday was good, so the number is at 6.5.

last night i took zzquil again, and got 6 hr 40 minutes, pretty decent. today i have psych, which i missed on tuesday. also, the cleaning lady is supposed to be here.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

sleep issues caught up with me

i slept maybe a half hour last night. i got out of bed and went to the bookstore this morning when it opened, and bought all my books. came home, tried to nap before psych class at 2, woke up at 430. so not really a good day. going to pack it in early and try and sleep. it's daylight out, it should be easier maybe.

dayrate: 3.5

edit: also, on the left, the weight trackers show that i've gotten to the most recent goal i set, so i'm now at 255. that's down from 287 at the first of the year. tomorrow i'll think about setting a new one.

Monday, August 24, 2015

first day of school!

so today was, like the title says, the first day of class for the fall semester. it was a good day, long, but good. registered for four out of five classes. waiting on the math class - i might be able to get it waived due to transfer credits, which means i'll take a different math class, and finish the requirement, which would be awesome.

overall, it was a great day. long story short, rating of 7.0

sleep, or the lack of.

my watch says i got less than four hours of light sleep last night, with an hour of awake time interspersed in there. not a good sleep at all. on top of that, my stomach's a little upset. i don't know if that's simply nerves, as today is the first day of school, or if i'm actually sick.

anyway, yesterday was good, had dinner with the fam. slept a lot in the morning/early afternoon, i guess my body was trying to catch up for the previous four days, but i was able to get up and go to dinner. i cut my hair and shaved my beard, so i almost look like a human again. overall, it was a good day, i give it a 5.5.

i might try and fit in a nap, as it's a quarter after 5, and i still have some time.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

title or something

so, i just let skylar out. it's now become something of a routine with us. i turn out the lights, lay down, toss and turn for a while, while she is out cold and snoring. i finally get comfortable and begin to drift to sleep, and she's suddenly awake and needs to go out.

anyway, today was a good day, i went to walmart and got groceries and other necessities. i also bought a scale, and lo and behold, i'm now at 255 lbs. so that's nice. i cooked a good meal, and now i really want to sleep. so, today's rating, 6.0.

Friday, August 21, 2015


so. the last friday night of summer vacation. Fall semester starts Monday. I'm only officially registered for one class, but have emailed profs in the others asking for permission to register over limit. I also need student finances to lift my registration block again (it is only lifted for a day when they do it) so i can register when the classes open up.

tomorrow i have to go grocery shopping. i also need to buy a scale. and some other random things i've been meaning to for the room.

also i think i will go running this weekend. i'd like to start that, and hopefully that can help get my sleep pattern in order.

if i get the classes i want, i'll be in class for three hours straight monday, wednesday and friday 10am to 1pm, then an hour break, then 2pm-315, but this class will only be monday and wednesday. i'll also have an 11am-1215 tuesday and thursday.

i think it will be a good schedule, although i am worried about three straight hours of class. but i figure i might as well have it blocked like that and spend the full 10am-330pm monday and wednesday on campus.

anyway, i'm going to try and sleep. day rate for today: 6.0

sleep issues

I'm still awake. It's 20 to 2am. I'm not sure if my sleep cycle is really jacked up, or I'm just having anxiety and not sleeping because of that. The last few nights I've had headaches and anxiety spikes that have stopped me from sleeping. Last night was so bad I was on the verge of tears from the frustration and throbbing pain.

Hopefully this will get better.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

thurs 20 aug

Today was a better day. I'm going to give it a 6.0. I made it to campus and got my Voc Rehab setup. I can now buy books, and register for classes. Tomorrow I have to see my advisor, and get some details squared away. I also need to figure out getting into some of the classes that are now closed. So that's still up in the air, but I feel good about it.

I just finished cleaning my room, and am waiting for the sheets to dry so I can put them back on the bed. That's a big step. I feel much better in a clean room, but being depressed hinders me from cleaning it, and when it's dirty it depresses me. It's a vicious fucking cycle.


yesterday 8/19/15 - 3.0

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

start your day

first, yesterday rate: 3.0 - 8/18/15

i'm awake because i have a va appointment with the ptsd unit, and also because my dog decided to lose her mind about an hour ago. barking and whining, and when i let her out, more barking, running up and down the fence line, and then she decided to start digging and barking. all at 615 am. not happy.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

i went out

i went to campus and turned in my voc rehab stuff. i wasn't able to see my advisor, so that's tomorrow. also, i have to wait until the paperwork goes through the va to get my registration hold lifted, so hopefully that's thursday. 

i feel ok, but still don't feel good. i'm torn between being happy i got stuff done and feeling like crap for not getting it all done. and not getting it done sooner.

this is crap.

it's tomorrow. what now?

have yet to get out of bed. it's almost noon. can't concentrate and make myself do it. lack the willpower and strength to do so. lack the requisite amount of give-a-shit. fuck me.

Monday, August 17, 2015

try again tomorrow

that's all i can do. i need to go to campus and get my voc rehab squared away for summer and fall. i need to see the student accounts office to get my registration hold lifted, and i need to see my advisor for some clarifications on transfer credits and then register for the fall. i need to shower and cut my hair in the morning. and get some paperwork together. it would also help if i could wake up willing to do this.

but i fucking doubt it.

this day sucked

i give it a 1.5


yesterday sucked. today's not going well either. fuck! i have things to do today but can't get out of bed. someone kill me.

yesterday's rating: 2.0 - 8/16

Saturday, August 15, 2015


so today was not good. it wasn't bad per se, but not as good as yesterday. i didn't have any appointments or things to do outside the house, and so i didn't do anything. i need to get better at getting myself to leave on my own if i have nothing to do. i stayed in the room all day, and wasted my day on my computer. my mood wasn't bad, just not as good as yesterday. so today it's a 4.0.

not much happening.

first day with new meds today. different, not sure if better or worse. no bad side effects so far. it's been a lazy day, rainy and stormy as usual. just ate. i realized that lately i cannot sleep unless i'm full from eating. which, of course is not good, as you're not supposed to eat right before bed. so i'm going to have to figure that out.

found out i have a hold on my account at school and cannot register. gotta take care of that monday.

Friday, August 14, 2015

rate the day.

so i gave yesterday a rating, 4.5/10. i think i'm going to start rating each day at the end of the day, and try to keep an accounting of my up and down days. so today was decent, and marginally better than yesterday, and still on the upswing. so today, we'll go with a 5.

did more stuff

i saw my new psychiatrist today. a kid, 27 years old, been a doc for a year or so. surprisingly, i'm pretty confident in him so far. i'm usually wary of younger kids who don't have experience, as i'm not your normal, nor easiest patient to treat. however, this kid is different. he apologized for being "late" when he saw me. first, my appointment was at 1:00pm, i sat down with him at 1:07. that's after getting vitals and all that. so that's not late at all, that's pretty good. however, he was "late" because he was reviewing my file, and looking at all the notes and diagnoses from my previous doctors. thank you! i've complained more than once about docs not looking at my history, and not having an idea of my treatment to this point, and this guy was looking at it. great job doc! also, we spoke about my symptomology in depth, i mean really in depth, he asked good questions and sought clarification when he needed it. we talked about previous medications i was on, and how they worked, and then he came up with a new strategy moving forward, prescribed meds and got me an appointment in 3 weeks to see how the med change goes. i'm VERY pleased with him, and hopefully things will go well.

i also returned a book that i had rented today, which was something i had been meaning to do for a while, but finally got done today. i then came home and cooked some chicken and rice, and had a nice lunch. so far, today has been a good day.


well, i woke up on my own this morning, before my alarm clock. i had breakfast of sorts (2 pbj on wheat and lemonade), and have laid around in bed since then. one of the landlord's people just stopped by, for the exterminator to do some shit. it would have been great if i was notified in advance, but whatever, it's done.

now, i've got some time before i have to leave for the va for my psych appt. i just took a look at my va site for my disability application, and it says that a decision is pending. i guess the rbi c&p yesterday was the last step. i'll know soon. hopefully i get the bump to 100%.

i've heard the arguments that 100% is a disincentive to work and can be an impediment to recovery. i don't agree with it. it would alleviate the stress caused by money a little bit, and might help me manage the stress of everything else better. who knows, i guess we'll see, or we won't.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

did stuff

so i had a c&p appointment at the va today. a c&p is a compensation and pension exam for disability claim. this was for my tbi. it was fine.

i then went to the ptsd clinic and finally made my screening appointment there, that's been needing to get done for a while, and i was there, so i got it done.

i then went grocery shopping, and that is a much larger evolution than it sounds these days, but i've got plenty of food in my cupboards now, and tomorrow i will cook stuff.

i also got in touch with the vet's office to finish my voc rehab stuff so i can get paid for the summer semester and have the fall semester payments all set up.

tomorrow i have a psychology appt at the va, and that oughta be interesting. i have another new doc, and i wonder what he'll do.

i'm going to try to get to sleep early, as i didn't sleep much last night, and want to start being up during the day.

today's score (out of 10): 4.5

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

not much to write about - my days consist mainly of sleeping, waking up and being angry or sad, trying to go back to sleep, eating - which consists of going to ihop or mcdonald's, which is spending money i don't have on food i shouldn't eat, coming home and feeling defeated for eating crap and spending money, having the desire to go grocery shopping so i eat better and save money, but lacking motivation and energy to do so, surfing the internet, watching netflix, and overall hating life.

seriously hating life. i'm tired of this shit.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

coming back

just got back to miami from a couple of days in north carolina with the family. it was good to see my brother, and all the cousins and kids at my sister's house. it was a surprisingly good visit, as i had not been feeling that great (see two previous posts) and didn't really feel like going. i'm glad i did.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

i've been researching easy and painless ways to commit suicide. it seems i'm really too lazy to do it, even though i have no desire to live.