Saturday, September 26, 2015


Went to class yesterday and took a test. Actually accomplished something, which is nice. I'm almost out of this hole, I think come Monday morning I'll be good. I've started running again, and ran Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday. I feel better, and I'm sleeping a bit better.

Monday I had another medication change (as well as Doc change) as I've moved my care to the PTSD team at the VA. I'm pretty happy with the doc, as she listened to me (which is not as insignificant as it sounds) and also checked my (extensive) history, before changing my meds. I have another appointment with her this week, to check in and see how/what to do next.

I'm also set up to begin Prolonged Exposure therapy, starting Friday. I hope this works, I've been told it will help, so I'm giving it a try.

This was a very bad cycle. I've been continuing the dayratings, and looking at the graph, The two arrows indicate 1: When I started to cycle down, and the second, when I started to cycle up. The cycle up time was longer than usual, and like I said, things were fucking bad.

But, I'm doing the things I need to, and hopefully, the next one won't be so bad.

I love you all, and I appreciate everyone helping in their own way, even if it's just being there.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

i have no desire to be alive anymore. nothing is going well, i feel like crap both physically and mentally. i'm wasting existence and time. i want to be done with this. i've had enough.

Friday, September 18, 2015

still alive

been doing really shitty lately. haven't done anything, didn't go to temple for rosh hashana, haven't gone to class in two weeks, i leave my room only to go and get food.

i'm still alive, but it's more of an existence rather than living.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

i fucking hate myself, my existence

i'm in a shit place. i know this. so i don't take people's phone calls because there's no reason to bring them into my shit place. but that's what happened. i'm sorry to my family. i'm done here.

Friday, September 4, 2015

getting stuff done, being a student

accomplishing things is nice. i did an assignment for psych, i just finished the first program for OS, and i did two memos for english. shit, it's almost as if i've got a hang of this college stuff. (stay tuned for the next crisis in 3..2...)

wednesday was good, 4.5, continuing on the up.
today was a good day. 5.5; got a lot done - went shopping, cooked food for the next few days; wrote the program i mentioned. the program was a long evolution, and only now am i getting to bed, after 2am. which is fine. i put it off until this afternoon, and it was the first program i wrote since 2012, so overall, i'm pretty happy.

tomorrow i go see my pill doctor for a check-in. so i will miss english. i need to email the prof in the morning.

ok, that's it.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015


monday was a waste. didn't sleep at night, slept through class/decided not to go, 2.5

tuesday was better. slept ok, woke up without the alarm. took my meds, woke up some more, left for campus early, which was good because there was no parking. finally found a spot. went to psych class, went food shopping, came home. assuming nothing else happens, 4.5.